


Broken

by meggles830



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Oliver to the rescue, Post-Season/Series 04, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, Suicide Attempt, havenrock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-08-22 09:32:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 39,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8281106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meggles830/pseuds/meggles830
Summary: Inspired by "Fix You" by ColdplayThe aftermath of Havenrock- wherein Felicity is slowly falling to pieces despite the best efforts of every member of her Team Arrow and Team Flash families. But what they don't know is is why she's falling apart- she let's them believe it's the breakup, its losing Palmer Tech, it's the aftermath of her accident and paralysis. Then something happens where it becomes very clear what is going on, and they're all hoping it isn't too late to actually help her learn to live with what she's done.





	1. When You Try So Hard But You Don't Succeed

“Oh no, that rat bastard is not seriously trying to inject my database, are you frickin’ kidding me with this amateur shit?” Felicity was typing furiously trying to overcome and stop him from actually hacking into her system by fixing the syntax error that had been generated when… her computer shut off.

“What did you? How did you--?”

“Felicity! What is going on?” Oliver came down the stairs into the Lair to the sight and sound of Felicity shouting into her headset and manually rebooting her computer. “That’s it, you’re going down you tiny little-

“Felicity?”

“Nothing, Oliver. Curtis and I were having a Hack-off, I wanted to see if he could find a way around my new database encryption since I upgraded our systems and that guy actually… never mind. It was a stupid mistake, he won’t beat me again. I just need to go back into the database and add an iterative to any query that- Sorry, you don’t care about this stuff. I was just- I was working.”

“Felicity, it’s 1:00 in the morning. I told you to pack it in three hours ago- it was a quiet night.”

“You’re still up.” She wasn’t even looking at him, she was staring at the black background of her database again.

“Yeah, after I called it quits I went back to City Hall to review some grant proposals we’re submitting to FEMA, USDA and DHS for help in rebuilding the city.”

“Well, I decided that it would make more sense for me to get done some of this work when I wasn’t having to worry about you needing backup or anything.” She was snapping at him and he couldn’t help but feel like he had done something wrong, but he’d barely spoken with her all day.

It had been six months since Dahrk and Genesis, since Dig and Thea had left- just the two of them working together in this new world of post-breakup partnership. Curtis had been pretty helpful in keeping things from getting too weird, and it was nice for there to be someone down there who understood most of what Felicity said. But there had been bags under her eyes for weeks at this point- she didn’t seem to be sleeping at all, she was always tired but refused to go home and rest. This was at least the tenth time in the last month he had called it an early night to try and get her to go home and get some sleep, but every single time she was still here when he got back, clacking away on her keyboard- or if she did go home, Curtis had said the texts would still continue into the 3:30 in the morning range.

He had tried to talk to her about it- but that had been shot down with an incredibly painful, “Actually Oliver, since we’re no longer together, I’m not overly inclined to share my thoughts and feelings with you.” Tonight he had planned on bringing it up again but she stood up suddenly and said “Well, apparently Curtis isn’t nearly as concerned about the security of the system, he just begged off for the night. So I guess it’s time I head home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Felicity, wait.” She had her purse and was bolting for the stairs, he had to practically sprint to catch her arm and turn her around. She stood there, looking angry. Oliver noticed that not only did she have bags under her eyes, but she was losing weight- and this was not a person who had a lot to lose. Her dress that used to hug every curve she had was now hanging on her frame and her shoulder blades were sticking out in the back in a way that he knew wasn’t healthy. Even her skin had seemed to lose the slightest bit of warmth to it- it wasn’t as porcelain and creamy as it had always been- now it had just a touch of gray.

“Felicity, I really wish that you would talk to me- tell me what’s wrong. Or even if not me, you should talk to someone! We’re all so worried about you lately.”

“Oliver, I’ve told you already, at least 50 times, don’t make me say it 50 more. I’m fine- and this topic is off-limits. We can talk about Green Arrow business, we can talk about computers and that’s it. I just… I need some distance.” And she turned and walked out.

As the door shut behind her and she was on the street- the crisp fall air surrounding her, she stopped and took a breath, grateful she had been able to get out of there before the tears had started to form. Somewhat blurry eyed, she got into her car and drove home- no music on the radio, just tears falling quietly down her face.

When she got home she let herself in, took out a yogurt from the fridge, poured herself a generous glass of wine and sat down at her desk that had the work of her other project, her non-Arrow project. She had set up a pretty intensive search the other day that was still running on one computer, so she moved to the other and began to do more research into the names that she had already identified. After 20 minutes she had to take her glasses off, she was so tired that her eyes were actually beginning to hurt from all of the screen time and the tears.

She was exhausted, too exhausted to be able to get much done tonight- better to turn in and work some more tomorrow. She went upstairs to her room and changed into pajamas- she really was going to have to go shopping sometime soon, these seemed far too big for her, she was tired of waking up in the middle of the night with them down around her thighs. She brushed her teeth and then found her sleeping pills, washed them down with a second glass of wine and went to bed.

_It was a beautiful spring day- the sky was as blue as she had ever seen and the few clouds in the sky made the shapes of unicorns, dinosaurs and ice cream cones. It was an idyllic town- beautiful post World War II cottages in bright blues and yellows, all through the streets were the sounds of kids playing, going to soccer practice or chasing down the ice cream truck playing La Cucaracha. Families were grilling in the backyard, splashing in pools and picnicking in parks._

_There was a strange whistling in the sky above them- had someone decided to set off fireworks hours too early to see them in the dark. There was something hurtling towards the mountains, right on the outside of the city. Then it was a loud, sonic boom- the sounds of explosions, the mushroom cloud- children screaming, parents running, looking for children, houses catching fire, beloved pets being thrown out of homes._

_She walked down the streets seeing bodies littered on sidewalks. In one yard was a little girl, holding on to her American Girl doll- Felicity had given one just like it to Sara for Christmas last year- Molly. There was a small boy, holding his half-melted action figure of the Flash, right next to his Golden Retriever. Minivans had rolled over with entire families inside…_

_There was a mother running down the street, “Where’s my son? Where’s William? Have you seen William?” Another explosion, more blinding fire in her face- more dead bodies, practically carpeting the ground around her, the playground she was near a mangled mess of metal and blood and bodies._

Felicity sat up like a bolt, in a cold sweat, panting as her heart beat much too fast and she tried not to scream- with the tears streaming down her face. She looked at her nightstand clock- 6:37. Well, at least she had managed an extra hour over her nightly average- the sleeping pills helped her to fall asleep, and usually ensured at least 4 or 5 hours before the nightmares began- she had found nothing yet to help with those.

She knew from experience there was no falling back asleep without two more sleeping pills and a few glasses of wine, and then she’d oversleep. She had work to do with Curtis on the Spinal Implant patent, looking for a new job, working with The Arrow and the small amount of consulting work that she had drummed up between Walter Steele, STAR Labs and a few other contacts. She was lucky enough that with her shares in Palmer Tech and the Golden Parachute from when they fired her- even being a failed and fired CEO was pretty good pay, she didn’t have to worry about steady employment immediately, at least not for financial reasons.

It was more about the time on her hands- she’d actually kill for some ancient territory war with the League of Assassins or fighting some superbad hulked up on Mirakuru and trying to take down her city, but without Dig or Roy or Thea or Laurel, and with Oliver’s new Mayoral duties, she was having a hard time keeping herself busy enough that she could just avoid thinking about anything. With a sigh, she got out of bed and went downstairs, starting some coffee and waking up her computer screens. She opened her fridge, debating whether she felt like breakfast of any kind- but as she pulled out her milk she discovered it had gone bad at least a week ago and was now closer to a cheese product than anything else. Oh well, not that hungry anyways. She sat at her computer desk- well, table really, it was her dining table covered in computers and maps and paperwork- another day to get through.

>>\---------------------------------->

“Hey Ollie, you said you wanted to see me?” Thea walked into the Mayor’s office breezily, she was adjusting quickly to this new life of politics and public policy- her ability to handle the press was particularly impressive- she had some kind of instinct for political machinations that amazed him constantly and just may help him hang onto his seat in the upcoming election. But today he wasn’t worried about The Ledger or what the Police Commissioner was doing or saying about him in the backrooms of City Hall, it was much bigger than any of that.

“Can you shut the door?” With quizzical look on her face, Thea did what he asked and then moved to sit in one of the absurdly uncomfortable chairs across from his desk- chairs he refused to replace because they discouraged most people from staying too long.

“I want to talk to you about Felicity.” And then came the pitying look from Thea, the sad eyes and the knowing grimace, all saying, silently, sorry, Ollie, but you have to move on.

“Have you seen her much recently?”

“Not really, she seems really busy with this Spinal Implant with Curtis.”

“See, that’s the thing- Curtis swears that they’re not doing more than 20 hours/week of work on that, and usually not even that much. And even though things in my other life have gotten pretty slow, she’s still at the Lair until 3 am regularly.”

Patiently Thea mentioned, “Well, I knew she was also doing some work for STAR Labs- something Cisco needed help with.”

“Yeah, I spoke with him too- he said she solved their last problem within two days- but even after I send her home at 1 am or whatever in the morning, she still goes straight to her computers for a few more hours, then wakes up and is back on them all day.”

“How do you know? Oliver Jonas Queen, have you been spying on her?”

He ducked his head, somewhat abashed. “A little bit. I just, Felicity, she won’t talk, she’s got the darkest circles under her eyes, she isn’t sleeping, or from what I can tell, eating and she’s just… she isn’t Felicity lately.”

Thea had to admit that Felicity had seemed pretty rough when she had seen her last, but also understood how overly protective Oliver could be about some people. “Ollie, she went through more in the last 12 months than any human being should have to go through in a lifetime. Maybe with Dig gone and me being gone, maybe she just needs…”

“Thea, do me one favor- go see her- coffee or lunch, or hell, a spa day, on me I swear, just go see for yourself. I promise, if you come back and tell me I’m overreacting, I’ll believe you.”

“Ok, fine- but we’re going some place nice for lunch, and you’re most definitely paying.”

>>\------------------------------->

_Around 10:30 Felicity heard her phone buzz- "Hey girl, I’m in your neighborhood today and tomorrow for work- lunch? Mayor’s office is treating!”_

_Felicity smiled but shook her head. "I’m pretty busy with this thing for Barry and Cisco, they need it ASAP, some new bad in town. Rain check?"_

_"Drinks maybe? I swear, work is making me insane and I just need to get away from the office for a bit. And no offense against O, but I really need to hang out with another girl for a change of pace…"_

_"I suppose I could do drinks tonight if you want- but I can’t stay super late, ok? 6:00 at Veritas?"_

_"Perfect. See you then."_

>>\--------------------------------------------->

Thea was concerned now- she knew that Felicity had lied to her. She may not have noticed it without Ollie telling her that STAR hadn’t given her anything to work on in weeks- but there was also just something… just, it didn’t sound like Felicity on the other end of the conversation- it lacked her characteristic effusiveness and warmth and fun. Maybe she was preoccupied with some project, but she had this niggling fear in the back of her mind that made her wonder if Ollie wasn’t overreacting after all.

She was waiting for Felicity, who was 15 minutes late, which was pretty unusual for her- but maybe that was a good sign- Felicity was much more likely to be late if she had gotten absorbed in a work project, so maybe it was fine.

But Thea nursed her dirty martini, swirling the olives on the little curly toothpick, somewhat anxiously looking towards the door. Just as Thea was about to get her phone out and call her, Felicity walked in. At least, she bore a resemblance to the bouncy, vivacious blond beauty with impeccable clothes that Thea had once known as Felicity. This person was… different. She was wearing jeans and a big pink sweater- a sweater Thea had bought her for Christmas last year and therefore knew how it was SUPPOSED to fit her friend’s shape- it was supposed to be a bit loose, but hug her in just the right places, with the exact perfect cut of v-neck that it could be tantalizing for a night out, or perfectly work appropriate with a cami underneath. Tonight, it just hung on her as though she was a child wearing her mom’s dress- same with the jeans she had on and instead of any of the many pairs of amazing designer shoes that girl owned, she was wearing running shoes? She didn’t even know Felicity owned a pair of running shoes.

But more alarming than the weight loss and terrible sneakers, Felicity just looked-- Thea wasn’t even sure what the word was. She was pale, she had always been pale, but it had always been a Nicole Kidman kind of creamy, porcelain pale that was stunning. Her hair hadn’t been dyed in months, it was barely blond at all, and she wasn’t wearing any makeup- not even to hide the deep purple, almost black, circles under her eyes. As Felicity approached Thea realized she was staring and tried to shake it off- this was her friend, she knew that just attacking her wasn’t going to help her learn what the hell was going on here.

“Hey Thea, how are you? Saw you on the news today, you seem to be doing great in the Mayor’s office!” Felicity hugged Thea and arranged herself on the barstool, motioning for the waiter to bring her one of whatever Thea was drinking.

“How about you- I haven’t heard much from you lately- how are things going with you, with the chip, with everything?”

“Oh, you know- lots of projects, Curtis and I are still hitting the R&D pretty hard, trying to figure out ways to make the chip affordable, while of course fighting all of the attorneys Palmer Tech has as to whether the intellectual property is ours or theirs. But that’s all boring, you don’t want to hear all about the technical blah blah blah. So, tell me, how are you? What’s going on? Seeing anyone? Or just working too hard?”

“No, not seeing anyone right now- there were a few dates with this one guy, but it sort of just fizzled. I don’t know, I’m working pretty hard and I really like it, I’m kind of just, taking my time. Easing back into that. What about you? Have you been seeing anyone?”

“Oh, come on Thea, I’m sure you don’t want to hear about my dating life- if I say yes you’ll feel bad for Oliver, if I say no you’re going to think he and I are getting back together…” The bartender brought her a drink and she took two massive gulps almost immediately.

“Felicity, are you ok? You seem… I don’t know, almost nervous? But that’s crazy, isn’t it- I mean, what do you have to be nervous about? We’re friends- we’re practically sisters. What’s going on?”

“Sorry, Thea, I guess, it is a little- I don’t know. It’s been a weird day I guess, I just need to kind of shake it off, you know?”

“Sure, I get that. You want to talk about it? I mean, I may not know exactly what a biocore processor does, or the average number of gigawatts per second you need to make the delorean go back 40 years… but I might be able to help, especially if it’s a work thing. Or, even, if it’s a guy thing- you know that right?”

“No, come on, it’s just a downer and no one, especially me, wants to dwell on it anymore right now. How about you- tell me about working at the Mayor’s office?” _Why wouldn’t Felicity talk about herself? Was she seeing someone? I mean, that would be… what- weird? Sad? Sure, all of the above, but this didn’t seem like a woman trying to hide a new guy._

“Oh you know, disaster relief this, cleaning up the corrupt police force that- it’s just like some tv sitcom.”

They lapsed into small talk for the next little while- Felicity was thinking of taking a trip, Thea was considering getting a puppy; main highlights from the Diggle family travails with John in Chechnya and Lyla running ARGUS- things were a bit complicated. They checked in on Mama Smoak and Captain Lance- slightly on again, off again, but all in all, Felicity thought her mom was happy.

After the third round, Felicity got a little bold.

“And guys? You said there were some dates? What happened? Are we happy or sad it didn’t work out?”

“Oh, it really wasn’t like that- it was five or six dates, three or four of them were really great, and then the last few just, fizzled. But it was awfully soon. I mean, my collective dating history involves a vigilante who pretty much took the rap for my vigilante brother and we faked his death and can never see each other again while he’s on the run… and then there’s Alex who was killed by my evil father’s henchman as part of a plot to destroy the world and re-populate it with handpicked disciples. Add to that my Lazarus-pit incident and subsequent drama resulting from that… I don’t know, I hardly feel like the whole package. I think right now… I don’t know, it’s probably better if I just keep things simple for a while. You know?”

“Well sure, but doesn’t it… aren’t you lonely?”

“Sometimes, sure. But just because I want to keep it simple doesn’t mean that I’m keeping celibate- I just… keep it as uncomplicated as possible.”

“And that- it works for you?” Felicity was on her third martini, but she had either seriously lost some of her tolerance or was one or two more drinks in right now. Stop it,Thea, you aren’t anyone’s parent- if she has a few drinks after a long week, that doesn’t mean anything, it isn’t your problem. She’s a grownass woman.

“Well, I mean, I’m not exactly calling a hooker or anything- but, come on, a girl’s got needs.” Thea downed her third martini- despite her concern for Felicity, she was really having fun. She had come to think of Felicity like a sister a pretty long time ago and when she called off the engagement it had been pretty rough on her, she was worried she’d lost one of her closest friends, and that on top of Laurel… it had been a lot and she hadn’t realized how much she missed this kind of girl time.

“Yeah, but… so what? Is it like one guy you can- you know-?” Felicity was trying to waggle her eyebrows at her, that was probably supposed to be meaningful- but Thea had no idea what it meant. She was giggling before she knew it as she tried to figure out what the HELL Felicity was asking.

  
“I’m sorry, Felicity, you’re an adult woman with what, TWO masters degrees? But when it comes to the topic of booty calls or friends with benefits, you’re stuck with a few eyebrow wiggles and a weird look?”

Felicity was giggling now as she turned bright red, especially at the tips of her ears. “Sorry, but believe it or not, when you graduate high school at 15 and then finish university with a masters degree at 19- from MIT, no less… well, that isn’t usually considered prime pickin’s amongst the fella’s. I mean. I’ve dated, obviously, but…”

“Wait, you’ve never had just a one night stand?”

Well, it depends, does having sex with your brother when both of us thought, at the time, that it would be their only chance together- him planning to die along side Ra’s… “I mean, never intending for it to be that.”

“Wow. I mean, I’m not saying it’s the world’s best policy- friends with benefits is the safer way to go- but yeah, sometimes, it’s important to be reminded why you should even bother trying.”

“Trying?”

“To make it work- with anyone. Why it’s better than being alone.” Felicity was biting her bottom lip, refusing to look at Thea. “Felicity, are you sure you don’t want to talk about anything? You seem…”

“Drunk?” They both giggled- had either of them had anything to eat today for lunch? Probably not, but this was fun, and it did really feel like neither of them had been having all that much fun lately.

“No, Felicity, really…” She was holding Felicity’s hand on the bar, both of her hands over it, squeezing. “You seem… I don’t know, not like yourself.” Thea was looking so sincerely, so earnestly at her, but Felicity was just not in a place to deal with any of it.

“No, it’s fine- I’ve just probably been working too much- shocking, I know. But between the implant and some stuff I’ve been cooking up with STAR Labs and the lawyers and Arrow… it’s just, I’m exhausted. I think I even forgot to eat today- that’s no good- I probably should have ordered some dinner, huh?”

The rest of the evening was casual and fun- they caught up with each other and laughed- the next morning Felicity barely remembered anything that was said or done. She remembered calling an uber to take her back to her place, but didn’t remember getting to bed on her own. But it had been fun, and she had needed it- she needed to get out more, get back out there and stay more distracted, holing up in her house wasn’t the best thing she had ever done- maybe she should try to rejoin the world. Well, at least the world that had alcohol and fun people. It was so nice to sit around her apartment, with all of her thoughts and feelings and pain- the distraction had actually worked- for at least two solid hours she hadn’t really felt the same anger or seen the faces of all those people in the instant that it all happened.

>>\----------------------------------------------------------->

_How did drinks go?_

_Yeah, you were right, something is definitely not ok. Although she seemed better towards the end. Maybe she just needs to get out more- I’m working on some plans. Try not to worry too much._

_Try not to worry? About her? Have you met me, Speedy?_

_I know. I know. But speaking of getting out more… What about you? When was the last time you spent more than hour NOT on Mayor or Arrow business? Oh, and working out counts as Arrow business._

_I’m really busy with that stuff- since SOMEONE left me to take care of Arrow stuff on my own._

_Nice try Ollie, but no dice. If you want me on this, you need to follow the same treatment protocol. Go out with the guys! Wait, do you even have guys? At least ones that aren’t in Russia or God Only Knows Where? God, we really need to get you a new wingman._

_Dig was never my wingman._

_Oh, yeah, you totally got Felicity all on your own. Nope, that took a fucking village babe._

_This is a really weird conversation to be having with my baby sister._

_Come on Ollie, when was the last time you even talked to a woman? Again, outside of work or Arrow business?_

_Mama Smoak and I still text._

_I really hope not for the same reasons I’m trying to tactfully allude to._

_Speedy, that’s SO not happening. Ever. I told you, Felicity was it. I’m done._

_Oliver Queen is going celibate? Excuse me while I alert the media- they’re going to want to report the End of Days._

_Thea, this is a REALLY weird conversation to be having with my baby sister, and it’s only getting weirder._

_I’m just saying that if you want my help, you have to take all of my help- which means you are going to get your ass in the Diesel jeans and the Hugo Boss shirt I bought you for Christmas last year (the blue one that you needed help getting buttons sewn back on to- please spare me the details) and spend an evening getting either hammered and or laid (again, spare me the details). Call Curtis- he’s gay so he can talk talk to the less attractive friend whatever girl is out with and it isn’t creepy._

_Does it have to be a bar? Couldn’t it be a baseball game or something?_

_When are you going to get that I’m calling the shots here?_

_You promise you’re working on some plans for Felicity?_

_Didn’t I say that?_

_Fine. I’ll call Curtis._

_Good boy!_

_You know I’m your boss AND that I could kick your ass right?_

_:)_


	2. Stuck In Reverse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys- warning! Language, Felicity is getting pretty close to bottom and the language and allusions to attempted rape are in here. Avoid if they're triggers.
> 
> Sorry for so much angst, I just think that this is going to take some serious stuff to get Felicity out of it- and then, hopefully, back together. 
> 
> Comment with ideas!

It was 3:30 am when Felicity came home on Thursday night- but for once, she wasn’t stumbling in tiredly after a night in the Arrow Cave- nope. She was coming home after a night at a club- drinks, dancing and Dave… Wait, Dave? Dan? DOUG! It was definitely Doug. Well, almost definitely Doug.

It had felt so good to just let loose. She had put on a tight red dress that was inches above her knee, but still had an amazing slit almost to her hip bone on one side. It was strapless and she had worn a huge gold necklace and earrings, her hair up in a pony tail, tall shoes- she’d only had to pay for one drink all night. She had danced for a minute with some guy who’s name she didn’t catch, but he had terrible breath and she had run away the second she could figure out how. Then there was the ridiculously tall and gorgeous black guy, Amal, but he seemed a little TOO into her, and she was not looking for a relationship. She was simply looking to take Thea’s advice and find a way to blow off some steam and distract herself. That was when she met Doug (?) and they had danced for a while, then spent some time just standing by the bar with drinks- talking, keeping it casual.

_“Hey, do you want to get out of here and go somewhere else? It’s awfully loud.” He seemed a little nervous beneath his cocky veneer and Felicity, who had NEVER done the one night stand thing in her life, found herself asking if his place was anywhere nearby._

_He had called a cab and given the address to a non-descript but perfectly nice apartment building a few miles away. In the cab he put his hand on her thigh, right at the slit and she leaned in to kiss him- pulling him closer to her- taking control completely and sighing into it all- it felt so amazing to feel a man touching her, kissing her- it had been at least 7 months since that had happened._

_They had stumbled into his apartment, discarding clothes on their way into the bedroom where they had spent the next two hours exploring and enjoying each other- it had been exactly what Felicity needed right now. For a few blissful hours she had managed to avoid thinking about anything but having fun and this guy’s lean but well-maintained body, and what he was doing to her own._

_Around 3:00 she had gotten out of bed and started gathering up her clothes- Doug had fallen asleep and she just got dressed right there, leaving him a short note saying “Thanks for a great night” and left, calling for a cab as she slipped her shoes back on and quietly let herself out._

_As she locked her door behind her she rested against it for just a second, smiling a bit at the memories of his hands on her. Not to say the sex had been anything particularly special, but he was perfectly competent and she had needed it so badly. She leaned against the wall in the entry as she pulled her shoes off again and unzipped her rumpled dress to discard it in the laundry._

It had been so freeing- just sex, no strings attached. It didn’t matter if he had kids, if he had a girlfriend even. It didn’t matter what he did for a living or where he had gone to school- she wasn’t going to get involved, and that meant she wasn’t going to get hurt. She could learn to live more like this- definitely. She went and poured her bedtime wine- most of the tequila from the night had already been worked out of her system, so two glasses of cabernet and a sleeping pill later, she was in her pajamas and ready for 4-5 hours of sleep, and hopefully after the workout she’d just had, it would be a relatively dreamless rest.

>>\------------------------------------------------------------------------->

Girls night with Thea, Lyla and Caitlin- exactly what Felicity needed.

It had been a bad week- the dreams were getting worse, she had them every night this week, only now they involved a new species of radioactive meta-like humans coming out of the rubble and destruction of Havenrock. Beyond that, her lawyers were pretty much at an impasse with Palmer Tech about the legal status of her bio-chip- at this point, short of getting Ray to actually come back from the dead, at least publicly, she didn’t know what she and Curtis would be able to do. Things with Oliver were still incredibly strained and tense, and he just kept looking at her with those goddamn puppy eyes, she could just FEEL him wanting to step in and help with whatever was bothering her, but she was done and over that- it was in the past.

She had gone out two nights in a row last week and it had worked to distract her, but the emotional numbness she had found had been fleeting- by Monday she was back to 5 or 6 glasses of wine and sleeping pills so that she was either working or sleeping- everything else was just too much. She sighed as she opened the bottle of sleeping pills- only a few left, she was going to have to go buy more- luckily she was able to survive on the stuff that was over the counter, she didn’t need to go to a doctor about any of this- that was such a headache and a hassle when all she wanted was to be able to sleep.

But maybe not tonight- tonight was Friday and they were going out. She was wearing a cute black sequined mini skirt and a great silver backless top and huge sparkling, dangly earrings. Her hair was up and she was just getting her stilettos on as Thea knocked on the door to pick her up.

Running to the door she grabbed her purse and pulled it open, seeing Sara, Caitlin and Lyla on the other side- everyone decked out for a night on the town- Thea had planned everything with her usual Queen thoroughness and flare for the dramatic. When they got downstairs Felicity saw a huge Suburban and a man in a suit standing by the back passenger door. Thea was grinning from ear to ear and clapping at the look of surprise on Felicity’s face.

“I figured none of us should have to be responsible tonight- Caitlin is visiting from out of town, Lyla has a night off from Mom duty-”

“Thank the Lord- I don’t know if I could have possibly handled ONE more episode of Dora this week!” Lyla interrupted.

“So Travis is going to take us to dinner at that new fondue place that just opened in the Glades, and then we’ll hit that martini and cigar bar we went to for Lyla’s bachelorette party.”

“Hey, I didn’t have a bachelorette party!” Lyla protested, confused but laughing.Thea shot back, giggling-

“Just because YOU weren’t there for it, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen! Anyways, cigars and martinis to be classy, then a little dancing at Vogue. IF we fill up to it, there is a Boylesque show somewhere, but it’s a pop-up thing so I won’t know where until 10.

Caitlin had already dipped into the champagne in the car before they arrived because she was giggling over the “pop-up Boylesque” show. Felicity laughed and shook her head at her friend’s middle school sense of humor- tonight would be perfect. They all climbed into the car and headed to their first destination- Thea’s playlist blaring from the car’s stereo and Lyla pouring more champagne for each of them. Felicity was genuinely smiling and laughing and life was perfect- even if it was just going to be one night where things felt normal, well… she’d take that.

>>\---------------------------------------------------------------->

Fondue had been amazing, really- what wasn’t there to love about dipping things in hot cheese and THEN chocolate? Everyone gave her a little shit over being done so much quicker than them, but she just didn’t have the biggest appetite lately- no matter how good she felt, she couldn’t really fix that instantly. After that they’d gone to the martini and cigar place and had a blast sitting with a room full of men over the age of 50, hitting on them, offering to buy them drinks and cigars and making all sorts of crass and not-that-funny jokes about cigars- but it had been fun anyways- none of them really crossed any lines or tried anything, so they just shrugged it off and accepted free drinks.

Then they had shown up at Vogue, it was 90’s Night at the dance club and Caitlin had told them that Barry thought he might come by- he wanted to see this particular group of ladies wasted at a 90’s dance party so badly- having seen both Caitlin and Thea drunk, and wondering what happened with Felicity when she had her filter down, he wasn’t going to miss it. Felicity had been looking forward to seeing her friend, but she assumed he’d just be zipping down from Central City- she had no idea that he had come down earlier with Caitlin and had decided to join Oliver and Curtis’ guys night out. Or that Curtis had twisted something dancing and gone home about 1 hour in (straight clubs sucked apparently). And she really didn’t expect to see Oliver sitting in a dark booth with some slut with dark hair and the thickest lashes Felicity had ever seen- wearing a pair of Louboutins on her tiny, perfect feet that Felicity could only dream of being able to afford.

The second Felicity spotted Oliver she stopped dead in her tracks, mid-laugh at something Caitlin had said, and her face went WHITE. She felt like her face was hot- it was hot in here, but just her face and the curled lobes of her ears. Luckily, she collected herself quickly and went straight to the bar, refusing to cry. You got this Smoak. You knew this would happen, you’d have to see this sometime. Nice to see that he’s decided to go back to his MO of white trash bar flies. Proves you were just a phase.

Felicity ordered a shot of tequila and downed it instantly. She sensed that Barry was standing behind her now, and he was going to want to be a good guy and talk about it- of course he’d think it was all his fault. He isn’t wrong- he probably should have thought through this fakakta plan of his before bringing me out here to see my ex-fiance bang the cast of Jersey Shore.

Preemptively she turned to him- “Barry, it’s fine. It had to happen eventually. I ended it, he’s free to do whatever, or whoever, he wants. So, can you just be a friend and help me get blackout drunk so I don’t have this image seared in my memory for the rest of my life?” Poor Barry, he felt so awful and she could see it in his eyes- he looked like a puppy she had kicked. “Seriously, it isn’t your fault. You had nothing to do with what Oliver did.”

“Well…”

“What?” Felicity’s eyebrows arched up in question- “I’m sorry, what is that?”

“I can’t tell you.” He hedged, backing away a bit- he looked so guilty and Felicity’s mind was racing as he did so, she was piecing together the recent conversation about Flashpoint and the guilt that he felt about going back in time and altering the timeline. “Oh my god- did you- did you have something to do with this? BARRY ALLEN, did you fuck with OUR timeline? Wait- is there another version of this world where we end up happy?” There were tears in her eyes at the thought. “Barry, what the hell did you do?”

“It isn’t like that- like Flashpoint, at least. But… look, Felicity, at the time, the world was going to end- literally it could have ended based on what happened and how we failed- with the immortals.”

“But we didn’t fail with them, it went so well and… oh.” Her lips shaped that perfect oh that she got when realizations hit. “But only the second time?” He nodded his head.

“Look, Felicity, we didn’t think that we had any choice in the matter and we didn’t know so much, it was so early in my days of being The Flash and we did it and he and I talked about it and it seemed like the only thing we could do to save ANYONE.”

“And so, wait- Ollie’s son- did he have a son then? Or…?” Barry sighed, shaking his head.

“Felicity, look, I understand where you’re coming from, I do- but trust me, sometimes not knowing these things is so much easier to live with. It’s like being haunted by decisions that you never actually got to make or that happened in a dream.”

“Barry, you have to tell me. What happened?”

“Look, Oliver saw his ex and that kid and he wondered- his ex told him it wasn’t his at first, but he didn’t believe it and he got a hair of his and I ran it and I didn’t even know what was going on at the time- I thought it might be related to another case. And then you came in and you saw it and you knew his DNA and you were so upset and, I’m not saying you didn’t have the right to be.” He was holding her hand, he saw how much this was upsetting her and he really had no idea if it was doing more harm or good.

“You confronted him, he was so upset, and should have been- but, Felicity, he had JUST found out that not only did he have a son, an 8 year old son, but his mother had paid the girl a million dollars to lie to him about it. OH, and the evil ex said that if he told anyone- ANYONE, he’d never see the child again. He had been dealing with the Immortals and their problems and my Metahuman problems and hadn’t slept in days and was hit with all of this information and had no idea what to do. But then-” Barry was getting worked up, he was upset and she couldn’t tell if he was sad or angry- wait, was he angry at her?

“Why are you getting mad at me? I’m not the one who hid things from anyone, who LIED to supposedly make my life easier?

“No Felicity- you put him in the Kobiyashi Maru!”

“Are you seriously trying to Star Trek me? NOW?”

“Seriously, Felicity? This was the love of your life! If you think that I don’t know that- if I didn’t know that from about the tenth minute I spent with you, I don’t know what is happening anymore. You’re pissed at Oliver because he didn’t talk to you about it- but I was there- he DID! And it didn’t matter! I’m the one that brought up going back in time and told him that you knowing caused a breakup- that told him he probably shouldn’t tell you yet, so the fact that you can still blame him for what happened- I don’t know, Felicity, how could he have possibly won this? In what universe could Oliver have actually won this?”

“Maybe I could have gone back and he never knew he had a son- but Felicity- I can’t be THAT responsible for everyone’s life! I just don’t know what to say anymore- because you’re mad at Oliver, you’re mad at me now, I’m pretty sure, but what were we supposed to do? Was I supposed to run back in time exactly to the point that Oliver would never know he had a son?”

“There is a major difference between him knowing and him not telling me about it!”

“You didn’t give him a chance! Have you ever stopped for a minute and thought that if you had given him a few days to process what he had been through, all of this new information, or maybe simply told him that you KNEW and you understood he barely knew and hadn’t had time to think about it but you would still be there for him- maybe you wouldn’t be in this mess?”

“Mess? What mess are you talking about? I’m doing great?”

“Felicity, when it comes to women I’m about as dumb as it gets, I’m pretty sure I have a long list of woman you can call to back me up on that- not to mention Cisco, Joe, Harry… But trust me when I say that I understand what hurt looks like. I’m guessing you’ve barely eaten in days, you’re sleeping- what- 4 hours a night? You’re going through so much pain right now you don’t know how to spell the word! And I get it- I’ve been through quite a bit of shit in the last few months- so if you think you’ve cornered the market on pitiful, I’d trade your broken engagement for becoming a fucking orphan.

“But it’s fine if you don’t believe me, if you don’t agree- that’s ok. But at some point, you can’t blame me or anyone else for what happened between you and Oliver. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, sure. Or maybe, MAYBE Felicity, you just finally hit a point when you weren’t willing to be hurt anymore. But guess what? Princess Bride was right- Love IS Pain. You need to deal with the fact that for moments, before and after he met you, HE wasn’t perfect- not as the Arrow- but as Oliver Queen- no matter what happened before the Island, YOU were still affected. AND, when push came to shove, maybe he didn’t know what to do- but WHO WOULD?

“Since I became The Flash I have made so many bad decisions- decisions that in my right mind, I may or may not have ever made again- but when you’re in survival mode- survival of you, of your loved ones- it’s awfully tough to make these distinctions.

“It’s like you on Genesis Day. Millions could have died, if you hadn’t been able to stop it. But you could- you re-routed the nukes and saved so many lives. But what if you weren’t sure of yourself? What if you didn’t understand what was happening? What if you couldn’t do a single thing to change it, you just had to sit there and be miserable either way? You’d be miserable, right? That’s what he was dealing with- either way, no matter what decision, he’d lose- and he made a choice, alone- and maybe he should have talked to you about it. But he knew- because of me, that no matter what, THAT wasn’t going to work. His only chance was to find a time, something to say, later- after it all went down- after he had a chance to sleep- a chance to think- a chance to process and find safety for his son. He has A SON, Felicity! How would you feel if he had told you and she kept her word and he never saw his son again?

“I think you’ve been through Hell. I think you both made bad choices. But I’ll be damned if you’re going to continue to drive yourself to sickness because of how you feel about everything that happened over six months ago. But I know that when I’m with you and Oliver, the look in his eyes, the smile on your face… I would give absolutely anything- I’d give up my speed even, if I could have what you two have.”

“I’m sorry, Barry, I’ve been trying to hang in there and follow you, but what the hell are you talking about?”

“Come on Felicity- do you think you’re actually fooling anyone? Don’t you understand what is happening tonight? All of these people love you- they ADORE you so much that some of us traveled 600 miles to see you! You weigh like ⅔ of what you should, just to be healthy; no one thinks you’ve slept past 5 hours in months; you’re snippy and short with absolutely everyone you know… I mean, come on. I can’t speak for anyone in Star City exactly, maybe Curtis- but some of your friends are among the smartest people on the planet- and you somehow keep thinking we’re either blind of stupid, and that’s actually getting to the point of offensive. I don’t know if it’s Oliver, or PTSD from your accident and your injuries, or if it’s to do with work or Palmer Tech… I don’t know. But I know that you need help- and I know that I can offer to listen if you want to talk about something or…”

“You have got to be fucking kidding me! Fuck, I knew it- this wasn’t Thea feeling lonely and single, this was everyone trying to distract me!” Her anger was palpable- Barry had never seen her angry like this before- he’d seen her “I can’t believe you touched my computer” angry before, and of course “Ray vs Oliver jealousy fest just got more annoying than hot” angry… but this was actual vitriol- her face was literally turning red with anger and he thought that he just might see smoke coming out of her ears any second. But you know what? He was pretty fucking pissed himself.

“Oh yeah, evil Thea- trying to be a good friend to you- even if she IS lonely and single, she could never try to deal with that WHILE trying to help you through something?”

“I should have known, this reeked of the Queens and their master plotting! You know what, Barry? Do me a favor- stick with your conspirators- because you and me? We’re done- I am sick and fucking tired of everyone keeping shit from me- I don’t really give a damn what the circumstances are. I’m a fucking grown ass woman and I don’t need to be babysat or coddled and it’s really getting to the point that I’m just pissed and so sick of everyone and their sticking their noses in all kinds of places they shouldn’t. ”

With that she stormed away, her blond ponytail almost whipping her back as she did so. She was so angry she almost didn’t know what to do or say, she just felt the need to get away from him as quickly as possible. The tears in her eyes were building- how could Barry, how could he POSSIBLY be involved in this? She trusted him, she adored him- and he was Team Oliver through everything they had been through.

 _Iris, Caitlin- you’re welcome to fight over him, I’m fucking done._ She pulled out her phone and was in the middle of requesting an Uber, while she walked towards her apartment, working off some anger. She was so caught up in her own rage that she didn’t hear the approach of someone behind her, or notice the fact that the streetlights were out down here, this part of the Glades had never been particularly well-lit or monitored, but since the Undertaking and then Genesis, police presence and Public Works were even less likely to give a damn. Why wasn’t the app coming up faster? She was going to write a very strongly worded tweet to that damn company- get a real developer!

“Hey baby, what you doing down here so late at night, so worried over your phone? What, your boo ditch out on you or some shit? You know, if you’re lonely, I can help you with whatever it is you may need.” Felicity was a bit startled to hear a strange voice, but more annoyed than anything. She rolled her eyes, after the night she had she was not thrilled that she would have to deal with this asshat. Then she looked up and saw there were actually three of them. Three men, two of them particularly tall and gangly looking, but the one that was talking to her was short and squat with mangy, seemingly unwashed facial hair and a shiny, bald head.

“Ay, Chica, you look muy caliente anoche- donde esta tu novio?” One of the gangly ones was taking his lead from the fat, bald one and grabbed himself in an alarming way as they all stepped in closer to her.

“This isn’t the kind of neighborhood for a fine piece of ass like you, chica- were you tired of your pretty boys and came down here looking for a real man?” _Oh come the fuck on!_

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH YOU MEN? What makes any of you think that I have even the slightest interest in ANY guy just because they talk to me while I’m-” She was cut off suddenly as one of them brandished a knife, another cocked a gun loud enough for her to hear. Suddenly she was very aware that this was not just late night harassment, bandying lewd comments- this was extremely fucking real. “Whoa, I’m sorry about that comment- about men, I’m sorry- I’ve had a really rough night- well, month, actually and I just left all of my friends at Vogue and I’m sick…” She started to cough and try to make her voice sound scratchy- not that she really thought that would keep someone intent on raping and murdering her from actually going through with it, but it was worth a try at least, wasn’t it?

They said something to each other in Spanish and before she knew what was happening her back was against a wall and she was trying hard not to totally panic and start crying. “Look, I just had a big fight with my friends and it’s not that I’m not flattered by your attention, don’t get me wrong, it’s always nice to catch someone’s eye- but I’m just so tired and sick and, to be honest, feeling like I’m kind of over the whole dating game and I would really appreciate it if you would just let me go about my business and get home where I can sleep.” She was rambling, she was an idiot, she knew she was, but she wasn’t entirely what one was supposed to do in her situation.

The fat bald one put the knife up against her, almost to her throat, his other hand grabbed her breast as he leaned in, his stale cigarette breath hot on her face as he leered at her. His compatriots behind him were laughing in the background at, making some kind of comment that she didn’t fully understand, but thought she got the gist of. Baldy then moved his hand up her side, from her knee to her hip, as he tried to get a knee between her legs, pushing them apart. That was the moment that instinct took over and Felicity, without consciously deciding to do anything, went to knee him in the balls. Unfortunately, while she made contact successfully, the move ripped her skirt higher as she jerked it upwards and was hanging on one side by the waistband and nothing else. Not to mention that while the guy who had held the knife to her throat was in agony, the guy with the gun had it leveled at her temple.

Baldy came around and slapped her across the face- she had NEVER been slapped across the face in her life. It shocked her, and just as she brought her head around again to look at him, he slapped her again and knocked her to the ground. “Looks like this bitch needs to learn to respect a man, don’t you think?” Apparently the guys agreed because he pulled her by the hair and dragged her to her knees, one of the others kicked her in the side and she could have sworn she heard one of her ribs crack at the impact of his boot. She was sobbing at this point, begging him to just let her go-

“I’ll pay you- I’ve got money, you can have my purse- it’s Michael Kors, it’s really expensive, and everything in it- there is some fairly impressive and costly nano-technology that would fetch a pretty decent price, anything, just let me go home and you can have whatever you want.”

“What I want, you fucking bitch, is some goddamned respect.” And with that, she heard him unbuckle his belt and the sound of a fly unzipping, and then he was pulling her towards him- his dick staring her in the face- was he expecting her to… was this how she was going to die? She kept her lips closed- if she was going to be killed anyways by these guys, she was definitely not putting that dick anywhere near her mouth.

“Awww, is someone suddenly shy? Come on blondie, I thought you had such a big mouth, such big, full lips- perfect for sucking…” One of the others kicked her in the side again, baldy punched her and bent over, pulling her by the hair again so that their eyes were level- “If you don’t fucking show me some respect- they’ll never find your fucking body. At least, not in one piece.” He smiled at her, a truly evil smile- spit coming out of his mouth, his eyes almost black with anger. She was crying, she was in pain… her adrenaline was running and she didn’t know what to do- the indecision must have shown because she saw the glint of metal, felt the tip of a blade against her skin, and then just blackness as she hit the cold, wet street beneath her.

 

>>\---------------------------------------->

Oliver had NOT wanted to go out tonight- he had barely liked going out even in his and Tommy’s heyday when they could buy an entire club a round of drinks and hook up with some girl with dreams of being an actress or a singer or a model and the only thing he had to worry about was making sure she didn’t call after, and that he survived the hangover. He wasn’t particularly proud of those days, pre-Island Oliver, of the things he had done, especially to women- but at least, back then he had been having fun- it was all a game for him and Tommy and no one played it better than those two.

Tonight, however, he was not having fun. Curtis had actually been kind of fun to talk to for a while- he had some awesome stories about the Olympics, some funny stories about his college Frat... but then he twisted something trying to dance and not long after Barry got there, he had bailed. And Barry was a really nice guy, they had shared some times that kind of made bonding almost automatic- but it was tough for Oliver to get over the fact that Felicity had once had such a crush on him. In fact, it was her crush on Barry that had first made him realize that HE had a crush on her- he could still remember the shooting pangs of jealousy when he came in the room that first case they worked together, her face would just light up- or when they’d talk “nerd” and laugh over a joke Oliver couldn’t possibly understand… or the way he had to eat crow after making her so mad about sending Barry away that he called the guy to bring him back to dance with her at that horrible, failed party he threw his mother… the one when Felicity wore that pink gown, her hair down and gorgeous, hints of her incredible legs peeking out under the silk…

But then, tonight was almost salvaged when he met this old friend of his from school. And he meant that totally, Eliza had been a little bit too serious and kind of nerdy back in high school, the kind of girl that would help him with answers to the calculus assignment, but not the kind of girl he hooked up with at a party or anything. Tommy had once tried, just to see if he could, but she had been for too smart to fall prey to even Tommy Merlyn’s charms. Seeing her tonight, talking with her- stories about the pranks he and Tommy (and sometimes Laurel) would get up to, the high school dances and drama that had seemed so serious and important back then- just sitting in a booth in a corner as far away from the speakers as possible so they could catch up one everything that had happened in the last 12 years- it had been nice, actually. Normal to a guy who’s recent years had been anything but.

Yeah, he had definitely been having a good time catching up- until Barry came up to him.

“Hey, Oliver, I think… well, I’m pretty sure I just seriously fucked up.”

“What? What do you mean?” Seeing the look in Barry’s eyes he asked Eliza to excuse him and followed him to near teh back door so they could talk- and that’s when Barry let his guts spill.

“So, the girls came here. Just a little bit ago. Well, I guess they’re mostly still here- Caitlin’s on the floor with Thea over there- see?” Oliver looked up, he did see- and because he knew the girls included a certain blonde he was in love with, he started to scan the room for any sign of her. “Yeah, so, Felicity WAS here, and she saw you with your friend over there, and she was pretty upset, and I tried to talk to her, you know, give her a shoulder to lean on, figure out what was happening, try to be there, right?”

“Shit, thanks for the heads up, I’ll give her a call… or something…” Why did Oliver feel so guilty? He honestly felt like he had been cheating on Felicity right now, how could he explain this? Wait, How could he feel guilty about this? She had broken up with him, MONTHS ago, and he wasn’t even doing anything- he was talking to an old friend! An old friend who had ABSOLUTELY no interest in Oliver Queen.

“No, Oliver- that’s not it. See, that was what I was going for when I started talking to her, but she was- I don’t know, man, she’s so angry! When did she get to be so angry? And I just, I don’t know, I said a lot- I told her all about what happened with the timeline and the immortals and you and your son and all of that- she made me, and she’s scary these days- when did she become scary? And yeah, she was just pushing me away, saying all of these things and I kind of lost it on her- she was pushing my buttons, I know she was TRYING to get me angry, trying to hurt me and I just, I kind of snapped and I told her how worried we all are and that I’m here- we’re all here, if she wants to talk about anything and she just, I don’t know- Oliver, she was just so angry. She yelled at me for at least five minutes and she stormed out, telling me that we’re done and she was definitely a few drinks in, and I think she got an Uber, I was going to go after her, but I think right now, I’m actually lower on the list of people she wants to see, so maybe you want to just go- check on her? Follow her, make sure she got home alright? Because I don’t really have any idea what’s going on with her, but she seems haunted by something, and it’s destroying- it is absolutely killing her from the inside and I’m really worried about her. So, I know you just met this girl, and yeah, she seems nice- and kind of hot, but come on, Man, please, can you just go see how she is?”

Oliver hadn’t even heard the last ½ of whatever Barry was babbling about- he had been so desperately hoping that everyone, hell, ANYONE would come back to him about his fears for Felicity and assuage them, say that he was crazy, he was overreacting and he needed to just chill. But Thea had been concerned and the look in Barry’s eyes and the fear in his voice had him in outright panic mode.

“Barry- thanks- I got this.” He rushed back to Eliza and grabbed his jacket, trying to explain as hurriedly as possible that an emergency had come up and he really needed to go and deal with it. “But it was so great catching up with you and you have my cell, so feel free to use it- let me know next time you’re in town and we’ll grab food or something, alright?” Before she could even respond he was most of the way out the door and heading towards her place- knowing that if she was that angry, she wouldn’t have done the smart thing and just waited for a cab here, she would have started to walk it off while she messaged for one- she wasn’t a person to work out often, only when seriously pissed off.

As he was walking about as fast as he could he started to notice that a lot of the lights in this section of the Glades seemed to be out- how did he not know about this? He was going to have a talk with Public Works this week about monitoring the streetlamps and the CCTV around here much more rigorously- he of all people knew how dangerous this section of town could be if not maintained and monitored properly.

Then he heard it- the sound that made his heart stop. There was a loud shout from a man, like he had just been hit, then a woman’s blood curdling scream and while he had no reason to think it was Felicity, his body went into Arrow mode and he was running faster than he had ever run in his life. He turned the corner at 5th and Broad, heading south, his heart in his mouth and his fists desperate to snap the life out of someone.

He turned the corner into the narrow street between what used to be a walk-in clinic and a closed up, iron-gated minimart. As he arrived he saw a terrifying sight- a beautiful blonde, much to thin for her size, collapsed on the ground- her skirt was ripped up to her waist, one man had a gun, one man had his dick out and was standing over the woman, prying her legs apart.

Oliver had given into his killer instinct plenty in his life- survival was key, and then, there were times- like with Dahrk, that the person just needed to be put down like a rabid dog. It didn’t matter that he was wearing tight, acid washed jeans and a tight, armani dress shirt, with dress shoes and all, he was closer to his Bratva days than anytime he had ever spent in Star City. A deep, low growl tore from his throat and everything in front of him went red.

Before any of the guys in the area had time to process his war cry, he was on the first- a tall, scrawny looking guy who held a gun at her- how DARE he? In a matter of seconds he had the gun in his hand, bullets out of the gun and the man was on the ground having trouble breathing due to the massive blow to his solar plexus. The next guy was unarmed and put his hands up almost instantly, obviously he’d been out for the company of his friends, he wasn’t particularly motivated to take on a crazed man with apparent fighting skills. Oliver hit him twice to knock him out, just to be sure he wouldn’t be a problem.

But the man that was standing over Felicity- and yes, he knew for sure it WAS Felicity as he looked over, the man who had been just about to… Oliver took his rage out on this one. A quick move disarmed him of his knife, and the man moved to punch back. But Oliver wasn’t playing to get her away, he wasn’t trying to just knock the guy out- this man had seriously just attempted to rape the woman who meant more to him than any other being on earth ever had. This man, was going to die.

He got a brief look at Felicity- for all he knew, she was dead- her skin the last few weeks had taken on such a pallor that it was genuinely difficult for him to tell in the dark- he couldn’t see if she was breathing or not.

“What did you do to her?” Fire was in his eye, the man knew that his end was here.

“Fuck you, Pretty Boy. You know how it is, a bitch like that- she needs a good fuck every now and then.” Before he could elucidate further on what he meant by either the phrase “a bitch like that” or “she needs a good fuck”, Oliver landed a powerful roundhouse kick to the head, before reaching out and in a swift motion, snapping his neck. He was sure he was going to have to come to terms with killing this man at some point, but not right now- the adrenaline was rushing through his system and his only thought was to find out if she was alive- and once he had dropped to his knees and assured himself her pulse was strong, get her to safety.

He fished into his pocket and found his phone, despite his shaking, trembling fingers, and managed to call 911. “Hi, a woman was attacked in the alley, at the corner of 5th and Broad- by the old Clinic, in the alley. She’s unconscious, the men have been disarmed but are on the scene- it looks like they tried to… like they tried to violate her…” He choked up, he literally couldn’t bring himself to say the word “rape”. Not about Felicity. Not tonight.

They assured him an ambulance was on the way, and it was less than 2 minutes before he heard distant sirens crying to be let through the streets. He was holding Felicity to him at this point- taking in the bruises on her face and neck, the tear stains on her cheeks- had she been crying? Had she begged them not to hurt her? He wanted nothing more than to bring that bald man back to life just so he could kill him over and over and over again.

He tried to calm himself by counting her pulse, the strong, physical reassurance that she was, in fact, alive. The ambulance arrived and he cried out for them to come down the alley with the stretcher.

“Do you know who this is?”

“Her name is Felicity Smoak. She was at Vogue tonight and on her way home was attacked by three men. I heard the screams and ran to help, but as I arrived, a man who looked like the Green Arrow was leaving the scene. I just ran up to her, checked for a pulse and called you guys. Is she… is she going to be alright?” Tears sprang to his eyes as he remembered the last time he had talked to an EMT over Felicity’s seemingly lifeless body- was it possible that their relationship was the most dangerous thing to her life?

“Do you know her?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Do you know if she has any health conditions, any allergies we should know about? Recent surgeries or could she be pregnant?” That one hit him like a ton of bricks. If they had gotten married as plan, the idea of Felicity being pregnant right now would have been thrilling to him, but right now, even the possibility made him almost as nauseous as coming upon her and her assailants had.

“Ummm, she had a few surgeroes earlier this year, mostly on her spine- after a car accident… and she doesn’t like needles- they terrify her, so don’t let her see any needles or sharp, pointy objects. Oh, and she’s allergic to nuts. Very allergic. She can’t be anywhere near them or her cheeks blow out like a chipmunks.”

“Ok, thanks, we’ll make a note of that. Do you need medical attention? Or do you want to wait here for the police, they’re on their way to take a statement.”

“Can I- can I come with her? She knows me. She… she might want to see me when she wakes up- I think this was bad. I can talk to the police at the hospital, but I really think I should ride with you.” The EMT’s looked at each other- one was still addressing the unconscious men at the scene- it looked like severe trauma to the head had knocked them out- but nothing life threatening. They could be brought in by the second ambulance that was on its way- the sirens audible from a distance.

“Alright sir, we’ll let you ride with us, but if she comes to and wants you gone…” Oliver nodded, his hands up in surrender.

“I promise, I’m out.” And with that they lifted her stretcher and wheeled it into the back of the vehicle, Oliver climbing in behind it- remembering to grab her purse that was half way across the narrow alleyway, and taking her hand as he sat next to her, in for the long haul.


	3. Could It Be Worse?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whew- this was a rough chapter to write. Don't worry, we've almost hit bottom- her anger and depression are about as bad as it gets, Oliver is scared out of his mind and just getting so angry that she won't fight the darkness/sadness anymore. 
> 
> And the tears come streaming down your face  
> When you lose something you can't replace  
> When you love someone, but it goes to waste  
> Could it be worse?

_It was another beautiful day- early Spring, the sky was the most perfect blue with fluffy, cotton candy clouds scattered in fun shapes. Families were out- there was some kind of festival going on, a carnival with rides and games- hot dogs, funnel cakes and fresh-squeezed lemonade. Felicity was walking through it and everyone was smiling and waving at her- dogs ran up and she leaned down to pet them, kids showed her their superhero face paintings; she walked past beautiful babies in strollers, stopping to chat with their beaming parents- it was perfect, the definition of idyllic._

_And then, suddenly there was a loud whistling in the sky above her- everyone looked up- was it some kind of air show, part of the celebration? As the object in the sky came closer Felicity knew, instinctively, what it was, even before impact, before the resulting mushroom cloud, before the fires, the screaming, the panic, the crying children, the people in front of her reaching out to her, begging her for help. Somehow, she alone was intact- she was unharmed entirely, protected completely. Mothers tried to hand her their babies and she could not reach out and take them, she could only stand there and apologize and cry and take in the destruction around her. Destruction that she had caused._

_Then there was a face, a man, short and fat and bald with stringy, unwashed facial hair, he had her in his grip, shouting at her in a language she didn’t understand, but she knew what he was saying was harsh- and deserved. She was a monster, she knew it, she didn’t deserve to even be alive after what she had done, she should be punished for what she had done. A knife came out and she begged him to just end it, to kill her- she was ready to accept the consequences of her actions, of her decisions. Names and faces ran across a screen in front of her._

_Susan and Alexander Mason, Children- Elizabeth and Sam- dead._   
_Jason and Jonathan Drexel-Schmidt, Children- Jonathan and Tyler-dead._   
_Abigail and Abraham Johanssen, Married 50 years, 30 grandchildren- dead._

_The names and faces and facts kept rolling and she begged, pleaded for the man with the knife to get on with it, to dispense justice, to end her pain. But he just smiled, a twisted and cruel smile._

>>\-------------------------------->

The small waiting area of the hospital was filled but quiet- no one in it knew what to say. Oliver had called Barry as he jumped into the ambulance as it headed to the hospital. “Star City Memorial Hospital- it’s Felicity. She was attacked on her way home- cops are here with the attackers. I’m riding with her.”

Barry, Thea, Caitlin and Lyla arrived only minutes after Oliver, who had been ordered out of the exam room while they assessed Felicity’s condition. Next to join them was Quentin, who Thea had messaged- he arrived at the same time as the detective who had been dispatched to take Oliver’s statement, collect any evidence recovered from the victim (Oliver’s face drained of all color at the word), and to take her statement when she was conscious.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Thea spoke, angry tears in her eyes, “I don’t understand. Why was she walking home? I mean, I get that she was mad, but she isn’t stupid. She knows so much better than to go walking through the Glades at night, by herself!” No one said anything, what could they say? Of course Felicity knew better, it was reckless and it didn’t sound like her at all; then again, not much that she had done lately made sense- everyone was lost for a response to this amazing, vivacious, brilliant woman’s emotional implosion.

Quentin joined them in the room after talking to the Detective in charge- he may not be on the force anymore, but his relationships and pull still meant something- being with the Mayor didn’t hurt either. “Well, at least they got the three men… it sounds like one of them is talking pretty free and easy, trying to cut a deal. His one buddy is going to be in surgery for a bit, seems like the Green Arrow really did a number on him.”

“What about the third guy?” Caitlin asked, “Is he talking?”

“No. He won’t be talking ever again.” Oliver pretty much growled it- his eyes looked haunted.

Everyone kept quiet- it was pretty hard to come down against Oliver for that, it wasn’t a man that anyone was going to be particularly concerned about having been removed from the planet. The minutes ticked by in the room, everyone silent, everyone lost in their own fears and anger. About an hour after they had arrived a doctor came in, looking for her next of kin.

Oliver stood up- surprising the doctor, he hadn’t expected to see the Interim Mayor in the waiting room of the ER. He looked at the name on the patient’s chart again, realizing suddenly why it had sounded familiar- hadn’t she been engaged to Queen for a while? He didn’t really remember what happened- his wife had commented on it at some point, some kind of surprise breakup, but he didn’t have a lot of patience for celebrity gossip.

“Mayor Queen- are you-?”

“I brought her in, I’m-.” What was he to Felicity these days? “I’m a friend- she doesn’t have any family in the area.”

“I’m afraid that by law I can only speak to her next of kin or Medical Proxy. I’m sure you understand, this is a very sensitive situation.”

“I actually brought Ms. Smoak’s doctor, Dr. Caitlin Snow, would you be able to speak with her instead?” Caitlin looked up at Oliver, surprised by the mention of her name. Oliver looked at her, pleading and she stood up, moving to shake the ER doctor’s hand.

“Yes, I am her general practitioner, Dr. Caitlin Snow. I’m happy to speak with you about her condition- but I think you’ll find that if you check hospital records, Mr. Queen is actually Ms. Smoak’s Healthcare Proxy and registered as her emergency contact, so you’re free to speak with either of us without violating any laws or regulations.” She crossed her fingers that he wouldn’t check, she had no idea if that was true, but she pulled out her phone to text Cisco- who was trying to wait patiently in Central City for word on Felicity’s condition, hacking into the hospital’s system and making sure Oliver was listed in her files would be a simple but effective distraction for him for all of ten minutes.

As she looked up from her message Oliver was speaking, in a panicky voice, “She was unconscious the entire ride in, but I didn’t notice any significant external injuries on the scene…” The doctor held up his hands to stop him.

“Why don’t you come with me and we can talk, in private?” Oliver wanted to shake the man and force him to just talk right now, he was going to actually lose his mind if he didn’t get more information- some kind of reassurance that Felicity was going to be ok. That she hadn’t been… permanently injured. He had to clench his fists and take a few breaths, he looked at the group of people around him, he needed to keep it together for a few more minutes and get some answers so he could share with them. He nodded and followed the doctor out of the room and into the hallway, into a space that was relatively private and protected from eavesdroppers.

“As you know, Ms. Smoak was brought in unconscious but not entirely unresponsive- we’ve got positive indicators for most of of her vitals- no obstruction of airways, her heart functions are mostly contained within the standard parameters for Shock and I have no reason to believe she’s suffered any serious neurological or spinal injuries. She woke up very briefly in an understandably hysterical panic, so we gave her a sedative and expect she’ll be out for the next few hours.

“She has some bumps and bruises, and two cracked ribs on her right side.” Oliver clenched his fists again at that, this was not a man that the doctor wanted to ever meet in a dark alley at night. He knew the Green Arrow had been the one to interrupt the attack, but he wouldn’t have been shocked to find that this man in front of him could have done similar damage.

“What about… she was unconscious for a long time, wasn’t she? It was at least ten minutes, I saw her hit her head on the pavement- is there any chance of brain injury?”

“We’ve ordered an MRI, it is a possibility, especially since there are some signs of trauma to her head from her assailants. But my best guess is that the loss of consciousness was more to do with the psychological stress of the attack than an internal or external injury. This is all obviously relatively preliminary from our initial evaluation and some simple tests.” That was when the doctor paused, his even, soothing and confident tone changing.

Caitlin was busy scanning Felicity’s chart and paused to ask a few questions about whether they were treating prophylactically for hypothermia, what sedative had they given her, did there seem to be any damage to her spinal implant and whether she could reach out to the engineer who created it and have him run some basic tests. But as she flipped through the doctor’s notes she kept returning to one page- something on it was causing her to bite her bottom lip with concern.

“Her blood pressure is pretty low considering she didn’t suffer significant blood loss. Are you running any cardiovascular tests to rule out cardiogenic shock?”

“I am, we’re also looking at her hepatic functions, her glucose levels and of course we’re still waiting on her full chem panels.”

She was nodding as she read but was looking particularly concerned, biting on her thumb and Oliver could tell her mind was running a million miles a minute- he didn’t know her particularly well, but he knew that she was worried, and that was not something he wanted to see.

After what felt like days, Caitlin finally looked up at the ER doctor, an older man with salt and pepper hair, dark-rimmed glasses and the professional demeanor of a man who has seen everything wheeled through his doors. “What about forensic evidence- were you able to collect any yet?” Oliver was trying his absolute best to NOT think about what that.

“Hospital policy is to wait until we have the explicit consent of either the victim or her Proxy- we don’t want to re-traumatize anyone by collecting it without their ok. We have her clothes in an evidence bag and did some preliminary evaluation during the initial go and it doesn’t seem as though there are any fluids to recover, but we will do a more thorough check when she’s awake.” Oliver seriously thought he was going to have a heart attack right there, in the middle of the corridor- the memory of that man’s dick in Felicity’s face- of her ripped skirt and the abrasion on the side of her face… Felicity had explained to him once that blood can’t LITERALLY boil, but right now he’d have been willing to bet his former fortune that she was categorically incorrect about that.

“Well, Doctor, you’ve been very helpful. I’d like to examine Ms. Smoak myself, with your permission, and of course I’m going to need you to keep me posted on any and all lab results as they come in. I’m going to contact the designer of her spinal implant so that he can run some diagnostics on that as well and, if Ms. Smoak will allow it, I’d like to be present during her SAFE kit procedure, assuming of course she consents.” The ER doctor nodded, they shook hands and he left.

“Wait, when can I see her?” The doctor looked back and he and Caitlin seemed to speak with just their eyes.

“Oliver, she’s going to be out for a little while still and they need to get her to the MRI and a few other tests- how about we let them finish all of their work and then we’ll take you to see her, whether she’s awake or not- ok? You and I can chat and then you can give your statement to the Detective.” Oliver nodded and the relieved ER doctor was able to actually leave. Once had was gone, Oliver turned to Caitlin.

“Ok, what aren’t you guys telling me? There’s something in her charts that has you concerned.”  
“All in all, she’s actually been pretty lucky tonight- cracked ribs but no evidence of any organ damage from the injuries, no concerns over internal bleeding and the attackers weren’t able to- finish what they started. In terms of tonight’s attack, physically she’ll bounce back pretty quickly.”

“So there’s something in her charts that worries you, but it’s not a result from tonight’s attack?”

“There are some things in her chart that might be a symptom from tonight’s attack- most of them could be explained away by Shock. But when evaluated all together, they could also be symptoms of something else.”

“Caitlin, I swear to God, if you don’t just tell me what is going on, I’m going to lose my goddamn mind.”

“Felicity is about 20 pounds underweight. Her blood pressure is incredibly low, her insulin levels are all kinds of wacky, and I’m worried about ketoacidosis and a few other conditions we would normally associate with fairly extreme malnutrition. She also was admitted with a blood alcohol content of .19- that’s really high, I don’t care that she wasn’t driving- I did not see her drink THAT much tonight- not WITH us. Add all of this up with her recent depressed state, the high risk behavior of walking through The Glades at night, alone and her lack of defensive wounds… Oliver, I was plenty worried about her before, but this does not paint a pretty picture. If I’m right, these are classic signs of a VERY serious form of PTSD.

“Has she really said nothing to you about what’s going on? What happened?” Oliver shook his head miserably.

“I’ve got some ideas, some theories, but she’s completely shut down around everyone- know one can get her to really talk, Thea really hoped tonight would help, but it seems to just- I don’t know, I feel like everything I’m doing is just making it worse, is making her worse, and there is some kind of darkness inside her that she is just allowing to kill her slowly.”

The tears were actually coming at this point, he couldn’t stop them and Caitlin didn’t know what else to do but hug him as tightly as she could. She pulled back and kissed him on his cheek and then grabbed his hand, squeezing it with her’s.

“Our girl is tough, Oliver. She’s going through something, and it’s bad, but it won’t destroy her- we won’t let it destroy her. Ok?” He nodded, he knew she was right, but he was so scared. She pulled him back in the direction of the waiting area, it was time they updated the group, but he paused, a question still unasked.

“Caitlin, what’s a SAFE kit?”

“Sexual Assault Forensics Evidence kit. They’re going to collect all of the evidence they can to make sure that the bastards who did this to her go to jail for a very, very long time.” She was dead serious as she looked him in the eyes, there was no question, no wavering. Her confidence actually was helping and he nodded his head at her before heading back to the waiting room to tell everyone what was going on.

>>\------------------------------------------------------------>

God, how was he back here in the hospital looking at her beautiful but so delicate body in a hospital bed? She was awake but looked groggy, out of it. He paused in the doorway, taken aback by the site of her- she had a huge purple circle around her right eye, her wrist wrapped in a bandage, her face was gaunt and he could see her shoulder blades far too distinctly. He tapped on the door and she jumped, causing him to wince.

“Hey, I just wanted to check in on you, see how you’re doing?” She tried to smile at him, the attempt was pathetic and sent another stabbing pain to his heart. He walked towards her and it took all of his strength to not reach out and pull her to him or at the very least, take her hand in both of his and kiss it and caress it with his thumb like he did last time they were in this situation- when she had his mother’s engagement ring on her hand.

“This is starting to get old, huh? Me in the hospital, you with that look on your face.”

“The look on my face?”

“Yeah, the one that says you blame yourself for all of this.”

“I do blame myself for this.” It was almost a whisper, or a growl, he wasn’t really sure she heard it, but she closed her eyes and then turned her head, looking away. “Do you feel like talking, at all? About what happened tonight?”

“I think you can probably piece together the highlights. Luckily, you got there just in time to keep him from-” She wouldn’t look at him at all, just stared at the wall or her hands.

“Ok, let’s try this again. Felicity, why were you out there in the first place? On your own? You know how dangerous it is- you know what happens to people all the time down there, how could you-?”

“Gee, thanks Oliver, I really appreciate it. I just really needed to be reminded of my fuck up that almost got me killed.”

“That’s not what I’m saying Felicity- I’m just... “ _Calm down, Oliver. She’s been through a lot tonight and you don’t want to make it worse. Besides, you have bigger fish._ He pulled the hideous torture device, otherwise known as a Hospital Grade chair, over to her bed and sat next to her.

“Felicity, I need you to tell me what’s going on, please.” He was looking at her earnestly, pleadingly, tears in his eyes, his face drawn. “I know you’re going through something big, but I don’t know what it is. Everyone thinks it’s the breakup, but I’m not that big of an idiot- this is much bigger than that and I want to help you- we all want to help you. I need you to talk to me.”

“Oliver, I’m really grateful to you for what you did tonight- for helping me, seriously. But I am not your concern anymore. I appreciate you coming to my rescue, but you don’t owe me anything, nor do I owe you anything. But, if I did, I would say that I’m just fine. I’ve been working a bit hard, I’m tired, that’s all.” It was that tone she used when she was telling him to get his head out of his ass… but with the slightest hedge behind it.

“You aren’t fine. AND you’re lying to me. I’ve talked to Curtis, I’ve talked to Cisco and Caitlin- all three of whom reached out to me, by the way, because they’re worried.” He broke off, this time HE looked away from HER. “I’m not an idiot- you haven’t been eating. I’m going to guess you haven’t been sleeping. You’re dealing with something, and it’s bad and it’s killing you inside. I need you to talk to me, or to someone, so that we can help you.”

“Oliver, even IF there were anything wrong with me, I’m pretty sure you’d be towards the bottom of the list of people I’d be sharing with.” Where had all of this anger come from? Where had any of this come from?

“Felicity, whatever it is that you’re going through, there are so many people out there that want to help you. Even if you would rather see me skewered to death by raging bulls than talk to me about anything, there are so many people who love you, who are concerned about you and want to help you.”

“You understand the incredible irony of YOU trying to get ME to open up about my thoughts and feelings, don’t you? Wait, is that irony or hypocrisy- I’m not entirely sure which is the more correct term here.” That one was a slap across the face… it wasn’t entirely unfounded, but it stung all the same.

“Please don’t do this Felicity. Please, promise me that you’re going to talk to someone. And it doesn’t have to be me- it doesn’t even have to be any of the people who are anxiously waiting outside of your room for news that you’re alright. Or Dig in Chechnya, or your mother in Vegas, both of them are waiting by the phone, freaking out about you, terrified. The doctor wants to send in a psychiatrist to talk to you, talk to him, just TALK TO SOMEONE. Please.”

“Oliver, why don’t you save everyone a lot of trouble and just invite them to all butt the hell out.”

“This isn’t a game! Felicity, you are sick! You are living so dangerously right now- you’re health is in very real danger, you’re taking massive risks with your safety… Did you even fight back tonight? It’s like you aren’t even interested in your own life!”

“I think you should leave, Oliver.” And she turned away from him, closing her eyes- dismissing him so entirely.

Oliver stood up, angry and sad and more scared than he’d probably ever been. This was the most amazing woman in the entire world, she was magic, she was brilliant, she was full of life and fun and love for everyone on the planet. She had been all of those things. He wasn’t even sure he knew who this person was. He would have happily given up his life at any time since he’d known her, if it would save hers. She wouldn’t even save her own. He took a deep breath and moved to the door, pausing with his hand on the knob.

“I love you, I would do absolutely anything I could to help you, I would kill for you- I have. I would die for you, if it would save your life I wouldn’t even think about twice. But I can’t watch you do this to yourself. If you EVER need me, if you ever need anything, you can call me and I’ll be there so fast you’ll think I’m Barry. But until you are ready to deal with whatever this is, until you’re willing to take care of yourself, you’re off the Team.” He paused, his back to her, hoping, silently praying that she would call him back and confess everything- but she didn’t. Tears streaming down his face, he left the room, wondering if it was possible for his heart to literally break in two.


	4. Spinning Out To The Bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, angst. PTSD. Presscriptions and wine. So much goes wrong- I think this is probably bottom. 
> 
> Also, trigger warnings for anyone, this has to do with suicidal ideation behavior. SKIP if that's going to be a problem for you.

Felicity woke twice that night with night terrors- dreams so incredibly vivid and horrible that she was screaming in her hospital bed. The doctors authorized a regimen of Valium to address the issue- it helped her sleep, and the dreams became less sickeningly real-seeming, but they didn’t disappear. Between images of Havenrock- a beautiful city, being completely wiped out by Dahrk’s nuclear apocalypse, the attack in the limo the night of her engagement, and tonight’s assault, her mind had absolutely no problems coming up with scenes so devastating she believed if someone could keep her from ever having to sleep again, she would say “Yes, thank God!”

After Oliver had left her room, when he fired her from the team (and honestly, she didn’t really blame him- she was nothing but a liability and an unwelcome reminder of what had been- he was obviously ready to move on), everyone else had come in and said hello- but no one stayed for long. They each seemed like they were waiting for an explanation- for something, and she just didn’t want to talk. Caitlin had been the only one who stayed longer than 10 minutes in the silence of her room- she had stayed as the doctor performed the SAFE kit exam, something Felicity was very grateful for- but unable to express out loud. Since the man hadn’t had the chance to actually rape her, it wasn’t nearly as intrusive as it could have been, but Felicity was glad to have at least one friendly face in the room, holding her hand.

The hospital shrink had come to talk to her- but Felicity had soon gotten rid of him; he was a sanctimonious shit who came into the room with what seemed like an accusatory attitude about how she ate, slept (well, how she didn’t), concerns that she was practicing a self-destructive lifestyle and scaring everyone around her… blah blah blah- she was an adult, her behavior was no one else’s concern. She had refused to speak to the doctor and sent him packing out of the room in almost no time at all. Then she spoke with her ACTUAL doctor- there was no concussion, no internal bleeding… essentially no reason for her to stay in the hospital any longer. The second she got the clearance she was on her feet and out the door- having already called a cab to come and get her. Sure, her ribs hurt like hell- her whole body did, but they gave her some prescriptions for vicodin and valium and would rather be at home with her computers and in her comfortable pjs than putting up with the Spanish Inquisition over here.

But once she got home, she had nothing to do. Without even having Green Arrow business to deal with, she was bored almost instantly. She could work on biochip things, but her brain was a little too fuzzy from the medications for her to deal with some of the finer points of the problem she was trying to address. She tried to sit down and watch tv- but she was totally and completely unable to find anything that held her interest- it was like she had a maximum attention span of 3 ½ minutes.

She stood up, groaning from the pain in her side where her ribs had been wrapped tightly from their hairline fracture. She moved to the table and turned on the machine that has been running the extensive search she had been working on- she thought that by this point she may have finally found the most logical parameters and framed the query in a way that there would be a reasonable number of leads to run down- she crossed her fingers while waiting for the screen to come on clearly.

_Your search has yielded 276,471 results._

Dammit- that was a lot. She tried to further winnow out results, deleting this database here or eliminating any records that had a 75% or greater probability of being redundant, culling here and there, but the number was still a big one.

 _Well Smoak, not much you can do about it, you’re going to have plenty of free time on your hands over the next little while, may as well dig in._ She kept going for three or four hours and then realized the pain was getting worse and she was feeling tired. She got up, stretching just a little as she did so, which hurt like fucking hell- every inch of her body felt a bit like she had been run over by a MACK truck- and she was guessing it looked like that too.

So this was going to be her life, for the next few weeks at least. She still couldn’t believe that Oliver had kicked her off the team. Sure, she’d been pretty distracted lately and she knew how much everyone on the team was worried about her. And she wasn’t angry at them, not really- she just was angry, she was pissed as hell and completely torn up inside and there were days when she really thought she was going to actually lose her mind over her anger and her fear and her guilt.

She went to the counter to take her meds- a vicodin for the pain, and a valium to calm her down- maybe even help her get some sleep to pass the time. She knew she shouldn’t, but the valium took a while to work, so she poured herself one small glass of wine- one glass of merlot wasn’t going to kill her and maybe it would help the pills kick in a little faster. She roamed her house for a minute, trying to figure out if she was interested in eating anything, before realizing there was no way she had anything in the house that was edible.

If this had been a regular day, she’d probably be thinking about dinner and heading over the Lair for the evening- or meeting up with Thea or Curtis for Happy Hour somewhere and just chatting and laughing. But she hadn’t had any normal days in a while- in months.

“FUCK!” She couldn’t say why she screamed that out just then, in her empty apartment, but it felt good. She wanted to punch something, someone- she wanted to hit something- the one nice thing about the night before had been that when that guy hit her for the first time, the sting from his slap had felt… good? No, that wasn’t the right word- she hadn’t been about to get off on it, she wasn’t heading out to lead some kind of S&M lifestyle. No, it hadn’t felt good, but it had felt… cathartic? Like, she deserved that pain, the punishment- she had killed 43,264 people this year. There had been people staying near the lake there, having 4 and 5 generation family reunions who had been wiped off the map. There was a college there, brimming with students who were just finishing up their final exams, getting ready to head out on summer vacations, internships, visits to see their parents and finally run those loads of laundry they’d been desperately needing to do for the last six weeks.

And Felicity had killed them all. She knew that Damien Dahrk was the bigger monster- she knew what he had done was pure and unadulterated evil, and she understood that if the bomb had hit elsewhere, it could have been so much worse. But that didn’t really matter, did it? Felicity had still programmed the navigation system to Havenrock- she had been the only person to re-route the bomb, to drop it on unsuspecting citizens. There had to be ways she could have stopped it- she was, objectively, in the top 20 hackers in the world- it was crazy to think that someone at ARGUS could have possibly created a program she really couldn’t have hacked. Lyla was great, Amanda Waller had been a bitch, but good at her job- she’d worked with some of the techs there before and they were all good- but Felicity was in a league almost to herself, she should have been able to come up with something.

She should have been able to figure out the coordinates sooner, they could have tried to evacuate a city she could crash it in. Or maybe if she hadn’t been so caught up in the drama with her dad and Oliver and all of that, if she could have focused, she may have been able to re-route it to a much more remote place. Or maybe she could have rerouted a drone somewhere to get it to pick up the bomb and drop into the ocean somewhere? She wasn’t entirely sure any of those things were possible outside of the realm of a movie, but she knew that with her brains, her abilities, she should have been able to do something- she should have been quicker, smarter, BETTER than she was. But because she wasn’t, because she had failed on every single level possible, and now 43, 264 people were dead.  
>>\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

The next two weeks were pretty much the same as before. She spent time online doing research, trying to refine her query parameters and running various programs- especially facial recognition and checking birth certificates against death records and a few other qualifiers to determine who had been in Havenrock that day.

She usually woke up around 7:30 or so in the morning, then took a nap from 1-4 (ish), maybe dinner, a conference call with Curtis or with STAR Labs, a few other freelance or consulting projects she had managed to find while she dealt with the confusing worlds of patent law regarding her chip. Around midnight she’d take a sleeping pill, a vicodin and a few glasses of wine so she could sleep until the next day began. Maybe the nightmares didn’t get any better, but they didn’t get any worse either. She was getting into a rhythm again, a routine- structure. It was good for her, right?

Inevitably, her thoughts would turn to Ivytown. Those halcyon days when they had been in that beautiful house in the adorable neighborhood full of well-meaning neighbors, kids playing in front yards, puppies everywhere- the perfect life.

Honestly, that house had been a little more cookie cutter than she had ever imagined settling in, but it was big and beautiful and when they walked through it and not-so-subtly danced around the questions regarding how many children they planned to have or comments about the elementary schools in the neighborhood-- it had just sounded so perfect and idyllic and normal. And didn’t they deserve some normal?

As the days had worn on, Oliver was so happy with his running, the farmer’s markets and home decorating… But she had felt differently. Luckily Palmer Tech took more of her time than she had expected, but she was shocked at how quickly the normalcy of their new lives became boring. There was a reason why Walter had chosen her to help so often- in many cases she was the only person in her relatively low-level position at 8:00 at night- on a regular basis. She loved what she did, she loved her job, and just when it was becoming fairly boring and predictable and frustrating, she had begun working on projects for him, and for Oliver Queen and her life had become so fun and adventurous and rewarding- it was like her M.I.T. days when she and Cooper had developed their Hacktivism programs and talked about the important changes she would make in the world.

She and Oliver had spent months traveling the world- they had explored England, Italy, the Mediterranean, Bali, Thailand, pretty much everywhere either of them had ever dreamed of going to. They had taken planes, trains, cars- even when ABSOLUTELY necessary a boat- but never for longer than a few hours- a compromise he was happy to make for the sake of their relationship. But suddenly, they came back to the states and it was all about brunches and wallpaper samples and nothing to do with her time but sit around and avoid discussing their past- not really ready yet to discuss the future either.

She had been part of something so much greater- helping Star City as part of Team Arrow, her work with STAR Labs- everything seemed so far away and she missed it. So, at night she would sneak out of bed, or during the day she would make up excuses to run off and help in secret- he had made his choice about it all and was determined to stick to it- he was so desperate to make her happy and he was sure that this was the only way to avoid hurting her. He had trouble when situations came across as life or soul threatening, he went into Superhero mode and felt that everything was on his shoulders. It was his job to keep her safe and happy and provide for her- even after all of this time, he wasn’t sure he could be the Arrow AND Oliver Queen- in love with Felicity Smoak. So he picked her, damn the costs.

But she hadn’t been happy. Well- she had been happy, deliriously happy with Oliver… but she felt unnecessary. She missed it all- the long, crazy, busy days and the nights with her best friends, trying to do good and save the city or the world.

And then he went back. For her. If they had never gone back, so much wouldn’t have ever happened. Maybe Oliver wouldn’t have found out he had a son until Samantha some day read some article about the incredible man he is now and a pillar of the community and she would have been willing to tell him about William and include them in their lives. Maybe she wouldn’t have been shot and paralyzed in the accident, maybe Laurel wouldn’t have ever been killed and the engagement would have happened one night in a chocolate souffle and by now they would be married and obnoxiously in love and happy. And maybe, she had no way of knowing this, but just maybe she wouldn’t have been responsible for the deaths of so many in Havenrock.

She was struggling to breathe as she was racked with sobs, she felt like there was an anvil on her chest- these panic attacks were becoming so much more frequent- she had trouble breathing, she felt nauseous- not that she was eating enough to really throw up these days- she couldn’t remember the last time she honestly felt hungry or enjoyed the taste of anything. She felt like everything that used to make her happy had been ripped away- although, that was probably just punishment for her sins. 

She knew she had already taken her medicine, but it just didn’t feel like it was working correctly, so she helped herself to a second dose, another glass of wine and went to bed, hoping to just cry herself to sleep as she had been doing for months. The nightmares were bad, but not nearly as bad as the thoughts that raced through her head when she was awake. Imagine if she could just sleep for weeks straight, not have to deal with any of these thoughts- how heavenly would that be? 

 

>>\--------------------------------------------------->

The nightmares were getting worse. She was drinking coffee and taking caffeine pills- she didn’t want to sleep- sleep meant dealing with the monsters in her mind. A week ago she would have given anything to be able to sleep for weeks straight, just be unconscious, but these days, her fear of what would happen when she fell asleep was so much greater than any other desires. 

_Everyone was screaming around her- begging for help, begging her to save them. And then she saw them- she the boy with dark hair and those eyes- eyes that were a greenish blue and didn’t look like Oliver’s, but at the same time, they did. Next to him was a woman, tall with long dark hair- they were screaming for help, trying to run. Samantha tried to get Felicity to come and rescue William but Felicity was stuck to her spot and couldn’t move in any direction. She watched as the blast of the bomb hit them- throwing them 10 feet from their spot, they were bleeding, they were injured- if she could just get over to them, she could save them, she knew she could- but she couldn’t move and she stood there watching as they died right in front of her._

_Then Oliver was there, she was trying to tell him- she was trying to apologize. “I’m so sorry Oliver, I’m so sorry- I couldn’t do anything, I was too late to do anything, I’m so sorry!” He was crying, sobbing, but turned to her- “How can you say that? You’re a genius, you can do anything, you could have saved them, you just didn’t want to! You wouldn’t! You murdered them!”_

Felicity woke up crying and sweating and panting like usual. She still hadn’t found them- she had been trying for months to find them, but ARGUS had kept their new IDs off the books completely- and by off the books, she meant off the computers- there was NO cyber record anywhere of their new identities or where they went, she kept trying to find new school registrations for 10 year old boys- 5th graders who recently moved with a single mother, but she had found nothing particularly promising or comforting. She had looked through insurance records, she had looked through car registrations for Samantha's Subaru- but nothing came up. Rationally she knew how unlikely it was they were in Havenrock- but it was far from impossible- they had great schools and a reasonable cost of living, Samantha liked to hike and ride her bike and they were famous for being kind of crunchy and granola with bike lanes and beautiful mountain hiking in the Fall- according to all the research Felicity had done.

She looked at the clock next to her bed- 3:30 am. Well, she wasn’t likely to get any more sleep tonight, may as well start the coffee and get back to work.

 

>>\--------------------------------------------------->

 

**Group Text:**

 

_Oliver: Has ANYONE heard from Felicity in the last week or two?_

_Caitlin: I called her about some test results a few days after the hospital and she promised me she was going to see a nutritionist. But since then, nothing._

_Curtis: We talked about a week ago about the chip, but it’s been radio silence since then- but she did say she was thinking of going to visit Mama Smoak for a little while- she’s probably there._

_Mama Smoak: What? She isn’t here- I haven’t heard from her since a few days after the hospital- she said she was going to be in Central City working on a project for STAR Labs._

_Cisco: Are you sure she said STAR Labs? I haven’t heard anything from her in weeks. You don’t think she’s in town working for Mercury, do you? She would never play me like that, not Felicity- say it ain’t so!_

_Oliver: Wait, has no one heard from her in the last week?_

_Lyla: Oliver, she is a grown up, she doesn’t have to fill us in on every detail in her life._

_Thea: Ollie, didn’t she say she just needed some space? Some distance? Maybe this is what she was talking about. Let her come to one of us when she is ready- she’s had a rough year, I’m sure she’ll come around soon. Who knows? Maybe she met a hottie and went away for a few days._

_Oliver: Thanks Speedy, somehow that doesn’t help._

_Thea: :(_

 

Oliver was trying so hard to focus on the report he was supposed to be reading- how to bring back high tech jobs and industry to Star City. All the mentions to Queen Consolidated and Palmer Tech made it almost impossible for him to not think about Felicity, not to worry about her. He hadn’t seen her since that night in the hospital- he had gone by her room again the next day, but she had already ignored all of the doctor’s recommendations and checked out, heading home to be by herself in that huge apartment. And as upset as the idea of her being with a guy made him, honestly, at this point he'd gratefully take it- she could be out with Ray Palmer in Bali- she had loved Bali and it would do her so much good, even if it was with his nemesis. 

Since that night of the attack, at least three times a day he had to fight the impulse to go by and see how she was doing. He still woke up in a cold sweat almost every night where he relived the night of her attack- but always with him not getting there in time, not being able to save her, or sometimes he had to watch the entire thing as though he could only move in slow motion and her attackers were in some kind of protective bubble he couldn’t break through. These were like the dreams he had about those five years he was gone- terror coursing through his veins, he would wake up sweating and unable to fall back asleep- especially since he had no way of seeing how she was doing.

Twice it had been so bad that he had gone by her apartment, but he had looked up and her lights were off- of course they were, she was supposed to be resting, she would be asleep- that was good- sleep would help her heal faster.

But no one had heard anything from her in over a week- most of them not in two. He knew she was a very capable woman who could take care of herself, that he needed to give her space, but there was something that had just been eating at him, and it had gotten so much worse in the last few days. He gave up on the report he needed to read, deciding to go work out for 20 minutes, hopefully that would help him work out some of this anxiety and focus on what he needed to read- the city needed him and it was important- it was VERY important, so many people counted on him. But not as important as Felicity, right? Of course not- nothing could be as important as her. He pulled out his gym bag from the corner in his office and called to his assistant that he was going to go for a run or something (honestly, hitting something was what sounded best to him, but he didn’t want to alarm his poor Admin). As he did so he saw there was a new message on his phone (Please let this be from her)... from Lance.

_Lance: Do me a favor, go check on her? Call it Cop’s Intuitio or my dad-gut, but this isn’t like her, I’m worried- I’ve seen this before- Hell, I’ve done this before. Just, go look in on her, let me and her mother know she’s ok?_

That was all Oliver needed to see, he started to run out to his Ducati and broke just about every law he had sworn to uphold as Mayor in getting to the building that Felicity’s loft was in. He barely let the bike stop as he leapt off it and moved to the elevator- why did her building have to have 32 floors? Why couldn't he have gotten super speed somehow? There were days it just wasn't fair that he had to work so hard for his skills and Barry had just had to take a 9 month nap. 

He made it up to her door and knocked. And knocked some more- calling out to her. He checked the time, it was 3:00 in the afternoon, she wouldn’t be sleeping right now, would she? But Felicity always napped on the couch, she said if she napped in her bed her body wouldn’t realize it was just a nap and she’d sleep for hours. She should easily be able to hear his shouts, his knocks, the doorbell- she wasn’t that heavy a sleeper.

Thankfully, Malcolm Merlyn had insisted Thea’s apartment have the best security systems, and since he had lived there, too briefly in his mind, his 4 digit code and retinal scan would let him in- he didn’t need a key. He punched in his PIN and hit the button for the retinal scanner and was confirmed as being “Oliver Queen- Occupant” (if only), he heard the deadbolt lift and he turned the knob to let himself in.

Why did it feel so creepy in there? It was quiet- she usually had the TV on or music or was talking to herself- babbling about whatever she was working on. The place wasn’t particularly messy, Felicity was a very tidy person, but the kitchen table was piled high with computers, mail, with notebooks, all kinds of research-looking debris.

“Felicity? Felicity- it’s Oliver. I just wanted to come by and see how you are, if you need anything.” His voice echoed in the big space, perfectly loud enough to hear even upstairs. He moved towards the computers and the notes that were strewn everywhere along the table. He picked up one page from a notebook and all he saw was a list of names and ages- none of which he knew or seemed familiar to him at all. Most on the list were crossed off, some had question marks next to them, some had smiley faces next to them.

What in the world had Felicity been working on? He pulled out another pile of papers and saw a map of the US with various cities circled or exed out in red- some had notes that were a number here or a name there, but it made absolutely no sense to him. He jostled the mouse of one computer and saw that she hadn’t bothered to password protect whatever she was working on- that was a level of sloppiness he could not wrap his head around- Felicity had never been anything but the most meticulous- almost to the point of annoyance- about her computer security and privacy.

The screen came up and he saw a bunch of internet tabs opened in her browser- all news stories. All about Havenrock.

It came to him as though someone had just shot him in the chest with a cannonball. Havenrock. This hadn’t been about the accident or about Laurel or even about the breakup and his son… This was about Havenrock. Oh, they had all been so fucking dumb and blind- of course it was- why had any of them believed that telling her she was like a General, making tough choices to minimize casualties- how had any of them thought that would actually work to assuage the world’s kindest and most loving person’s guilt?

He looked at the notebooks again, piecing together based on the articles on the screen what she was doing- she was looking for the name of every single person who had died there- every single person who had been killed by the nuclear missile sent by Damien Dahrk- the one intended for a much bigger, grander city- the one she had rerouted to their sleepy little town. She must have been working on this for months- probably since it happened.

Why? What was her plan? They were dead- that was the problem. Or did it help her to know who had lived and to think about them? Or was this not at all about trying to help the problem? Suddenly he had a sick feeling in the very pit of his stomach- if she believed this was her fault, she’d be devastated. She’d be reckless, she wouldn’t care about much, she’d hide away and try to push everyone who loved her out of her life. Oh, wait, that's exactly what she had done.

He looked around- her kitchen was bare, which wasn’t unusual, she had generally subsisted on takeout food when he wasn’t cooking for her- she only cooked Ramen noodles, Easy Mac and frozen pizza for herself. Out on the counter were a few empty bottles of wine- that was fine, she loved wine. But then, he saw the prescription bottles next to the wine bottles. He strode over quickly and picked them up- they had been filled only a few days ago- and were close to half gone. He looked at the names of the pills and hurried to pull out his phone and google what the hell they were. He looked at all the dirty wine glasses in the sink and opened her fridge to see she didn’t even have much takeout in there- a pretty old box of Lo Mein, a half eaten California roll that was molding, and some Kung Pao chicken that looked as though she’d eaten one bite of it before putting away.

“Felicity? Are you here?” He knew there was real fear in his voice as he moved towards the stairs and then started to take them two at a time- how had he not put all of this together months ago? Was he really that stupid? Was he so full of himself that he actually thought she was just upset from the breakup? Would he ever stop being such a self-centered idiot?

He ran into her room- pushing back thoughts of when it had been their room together- and she was on the bed, under the covers and for a moment he was able to breathe, she was there. He ran over to her and pulled her to him, but she didn’t wake up. He felt her chest moving, she was breathing, but didn’t it seem slow? He felt her pulse and it was almost as slow as her breath and that set his mind off- in his experience, they were each supposed to be much faster. He shook her gently, calling out to her, “Felicity! Felicity, I need you to wake up- it’s Oliver, I need you to talk to me!”

She opened her eyes- barely- she was completely unable to focus on him. She was confused, like she was coming out of a bad dream but almost in slow motion, trying to figure out where she was, why he was there- everything seemed so fuzzy. She was trying to form words, but they just slurred, she wasn't moving her mouth correctly, her tongue was lazy as it tried to push out sound.

“Ol-ver?” That wasn’t the right way to say his name, she knew that… she licked her lips, kind of chewing for a second, trying to make her dry mouth form more normally and tried again- “Ol-ver? Wha- where?” He was trying to look in her eyes, but they were moving side-to-side and wouldn’t stop to focus on him.

“Felicity, look at me- can you tell me- what happened?”

“No, I wash shleeping- good shleep.” Her eyes were closing again and he didn’t think he’d ever seen her so tired in all of his life. He was holding her up and shaking her, and she was still nodding off, falling asleep while sitting up from her waist- the way that he head was lolling to the side, on to her shoulder, it was as though she had no spine.

“Felicity! Felicity, did you take some medicine?" She nodded at him, again, almost as though she was talking in her sleep- something she did somewhat frequently and had always been so adorable to him. "How many did you take? What pills and how many did you take?” She was just quietly moaning, playing a little with her fingers.

“Couldn’ shleep- nightmares. Now I’m shleeping- it's quiet, finally quiet inside.” Oh God- she knew what she had done. And she didn’t care- in fact a small but definitely there smile played on her face as she tried to enjoy the embrace of sleep.

“Felicity, I need you to stay with me, to talk to me. I’m just going to make a phone call and then we are going to talk.” He was pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialing 911- his hands trembling. God, was this actually the second time in less than a month he called 911 for this woman? When he got to the hospital he was going to have to ask a doctor to check his heart because he was pretty sure she was giving him a heart attack. “Hello- my friend, I think she’s overdosed on her medications and she is having trouble staying conscious- Felicity, I need you to stay with me, ok? I need you stay awake while I call the doctor. What? Oh, yes, sorry, umm- valium and vicodin- and I think she drank wine with them. No, I don’t know how many- I don’t know if she meant to, no. Just- please- send someone now- please. I need someone to get here.” He filled her in on the address and and told them that the door was unlocked, she was upstairs in the bedroom.

Tears were streaming down his face as he noticed that her lips had a slight tinge of blue. “Oh God, Felicity, you have got to stop doing this to me- I cannot lose you, you should know that by now! What the hell would I do without you? Without you in my life, you are my conscience, my heart- you can’t make me live in this world without your smile, your wit, your brilliance- your heart. Do not do this to me. Please. I’m actually begging you.” His tears were just flowing freely- her eyes kept blinking shut, like she was trying to stay awake, but couldn’t. “You are the strongest person I have ever known and I KNOW that you’re hurting, I know that and I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you, that I didn’t help you sooner- but I swear to God, I will. I will do absolutely anything, Felicity, just please don’t fucking leave me.” She looked up at hima again, her eyes seeming so calm, but completely unfocused.

“Ol-ver. Jusht… promish me… pleez, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I killed ‘em- all of them. I don’t deserve- this is good. This is better. All the moms and dads and babies and puppies- I’m so so sorry but it isn’t fair- this is good, it’s right. Please, tell them. Tell them I’m so sorry…” He was crying and shaking his head, trying to figure out what to say next.

“Ol-ver?”

“Yes, Felicity?”

“I love you- I do. I’m sorry I wasn’t..” Her voice was fading out as she fell asleep- and it was like she literally FELL asleep. Nothing he did could keep her awake, he just held her as tightly as humanly possible, rocking her, crying, trying to listen to her heartbeat and her breathing, any sign that she was alive.

The paramedics arrived, he ran downstairs to meet them and bring them upstairs- they were asking questions, calmly but quickly moving about their business- how could they be so calm? Didn’t he know what was going on in this room? Didn’t he know who this woman was- they needed to move faster, to do something faster, to fix her faster! He never felt so helpless in his entire life as he did watching them try to work, taking her vitals, lifting her onto a board and then onto the stretcher. He was trying to answer questions- he took one of the EMTs to the medications downstairs and they were taking notes- the bottles had only been filled three days ago and were more than half empty, in three days she had gone through at least 15 of each of the pills. They looked through her kitchen and her recycling bin- there were quite a few empty wine bottles there. Oliver flashed back to when he lived here, trash and recycling had been his responsibility- the recycling was collected on Tuesdays- it was Friday- she had either forgotten or gone through at least 6 bottles of wine in that time.

The EMTs were bringing her down the stairs and for the second time in under a month Oliver was following Felicity’s stretcher and talking his way into the ambulance- there was no way in Hell he was going to be separated from this woman and he didn’t care what he had to do in order to make it happen.


	5. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

The ride to the hospital were the longest five minutes of Oliver’s life- the medics were talking and conveying information to the dispatcher and the hospital, asking Oliver if she had any allergies to medications or any health conditions they needed to know about- what was her date of birth, did she have any family history of health problems, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, cancer, heart disease? Had she been suicidal before? Was there a possibility she was pregnant?

He tried to think through what he knew, what he remembered- he’d been through this during the time she was in the hospital for her spinal cord injury- he filled them in on that injury, the many surgeries, the implant. “She’s allergic to nuts- I don’t know if you need to know that- would that matter in a hospital? I don’t really know. Umm, oh, she has a doctor, someone she sees but is in Central City- should I call her? Or do you call her? I’m sorry, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do or how any of this works. I’m just- tell me, is she going to be ok?”

“Mr. Queen, we appreciate all the information you gave us. When we get to the hospital we’re going to take her to an exam room. Someone will come by for her insurance and information on her regular doctor and next of kin. That’s all I really know right now. Her pulse is weak but steady, we’ll probably put her on a ventilator as her breathing is definitely depressed- if you hadn’t come along she may have stopped breathing on her own.”

They got to the hospital and Oliver was trying to stay with Felicity but they shoved him out of the room as the doctor joined- they were going to be putting her in a gown and running tests. He heard them trying to fill the doctor in,

“Female, age 28, apparent polydrug overdose of Vicodin and Valium, probable alcohol involvement. Found on the scene by a friend, she had been depressed after a recent sexual assault and attempted rape. Breathing significantly depressed, pulse weak but steady, blood pressure below normal, no signs of fever, external trauma or self-mutilation.”

“Did you come in with the ambulance, sir?” There was a nice looking woman staring at him- a woman who reminded him of his grandmother- Grammy Queen- silvery long hair and a big, warm smile.

“Yes, with Ms. Smoak, I found her- I’m her- friend.”

“I see, well, that must have been very difficult for you, huh? But the good news is that you found her and you brought her in, and now we can try to help her get better, right?” He nodded his head, not at all feeling like there was good news anywhere in the world right now.

“I just need to get some more information from you while the doctor is in there doing his preliminary exam and then I’m sure he’ll be here to speak with you as soon as possible. Now, I hear that Ms. Smoak has a primary care doctor in Central City? Would you like for us to reach out to that doctor?”

“Umm, yes, or- actually, I know her- Doctor Snow, Caitlin Snow. I can contact her myself, we’re… friendly.”

“Alright, that’s just fine. Now, what does Ms. Smoak do for a living- do you know if she has health insurance?”

“She works in IT- she’s a cybersecurity genius. She’s been doing some consulting, and working on starting her own company. But I’m sure she has insurance- or even if she doesn’t, I’m sure that I can pay-”

“That’s not necessary sir, I’m sure we’ll get it all sorted quickly enough- I’m just running down my list of questions.” She was smiling and seemed so welcoming and there was a part of him that wanted to just go and let her hug him and hold him while he cried on her shoulder like had done with Grammy when he was a little kid.

“Had she been depressed lately? Do you have any idea what was upsetting her?”

“She- umm, yes, she had been upset lately- she’s been through a lot of things in the last year- health problems and a broken engagement.” He barely choked that phrase out, not wanting to think about that horrible moment when she gave him back the ring and walked out. “She lost her job, but has been doing a lot of work on a freelance basis, so we all thought she was doing fine. But then- uh, a few weeks ago she was attacked by three men in The Glades. The Green Arrow arrived, he saved her before they got very far, but she was pretty beat up. I guess that’s when the doctors gave her the medicines.”

“So had she been taking the valium and the vicodin for just the last few weeks? Any reason to believe that she had been abusing drugs or alcohol before that point? It’s not at all uncommon after an assault or violent attack for a doctor to prescribe benzos…” The nice lady was talking, but that word sent him back in his mind to the night of their ill-fated first date. He had felt so awkward and she had looked so beautiful, he was so nervous. So after he ordered his drink and she asked for water, he called back the waiter suggesting she get alcohol. “It wouldn’t mix well with the three benzos I took.” She was nervous to be there, it had made him smile as he thought about the memory of that night. He remembered everything about that night- her long, curled hair and the red dress that matched her gorgeous, pouty lips- the look on her face when he remembered their first meeting, “I was chewing on a pen.” “It was red.”

The woman was speaking, he hadn’t been listening at all for the last few moments. “I’m sorry, what was your question?”

She gave him a look of pity, this guy had it bad for that woman in there- hard to imagine any woman could be depressed with someone like this so incredibly smitten with them- in different circumstances she’d be trying to set him up with her Granddaughter Maggie.

“Is there anyone else we need to contact? Are you able to make medical decisions on her behalf or do we need to contact a next of kin?”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I need to know who has the authority to make decisions about her care if she is unable to.”

“Umm, are we- is that something they think…?”

“I don’t know, Honey, I just need to ask.” She touched his shoulder, trying to comfort him a bit.

“I think I should call her mother, probably. Yeah, I should. Can you give me a few minutes?”

She smiled at him kindly and nodded, walking away and giving him some privacy. Poor guy- his pain was written all over his face, he loved this woman- that was plain to see- and he was scared- and unfortunately for him, he should be- that was a nasty thing she had done, she’d seen it work out, but far more often it hadn’t. She just shook her head as he pulled out his cell and began to dial, most likely about to have the worst conversation of his life.

>>\-------------------------------------------------------->

“Ollie? Ollie! Oh my god, how is she, is she going to be alright?” His little sister came running up to him, throwing her arms around him and holding him tightly. She had met up with Lyla in the parking lot and Lyla with young Sara in tow were just behind her. Oliver just hugged her back, drawing some comfort from Thea’s embrace for a moment- at least he wasn’t alone in his pain. The fear was written all over everyone’s faces, Thea had been crying- Lyla was always so stoic in the face of these things, but even she seemed obviously shaken.

“I don’t know yet- I’m still waiting to see her. I spoke with Caitlin on the phone a few minutes ago and the test results should be in any minute. In the meantime they’re just treating the symptoms- she’s on a ventilator, she was having trouble breathing. Her blood pressure is really low.They’re worried about her heart right now, and her liver. She hasn’t regained consciousness yet.”

“What happened?” Lyla was speaking quietly and calmly, trying not to spook Sara who at three didn’t understand where they were or why- she just knew something was going on with her Aunt Flyssa.

“Havenrock.” He answered, still furious with himself that he hadn’t seen it- it seemed so obvious now, they were all incredible idiots. “It was Havenrock. She’s been spending all of her time trying to find the names of everyone who was there the day of the bomb. I found the research tonight- I went to check on her- I know you guys told me to give her some space, but Lance texted and asked me to and I just jumped on my bike and left. I found the charts, she’s been locating every person who died there that day.”

They all looked at each other, the pieces beginning to fall into place, it had been in the months since Havenrock that she had begun to fall apart, but it had all happened so close to the same time as the engagement breaking off, Thea and Dig leaving the team, Laurel’s death, losing Palmer Tech, dealing with her father- it had been so easy to write off her anger and distance for those reasons. Why hadn’t they tried harder to check in with her, to be there for her? She was ALWAYS there for them, she was so good at picking up on it when any of them were going through something, they had all been so self-involved!

Thea had become so involved in the Mayor’s office and NOT being Speedy anymore that she hadn’t been there for Felicity, hadn’t thought to check in on her or ask how she was dealing with the events after Damien Dahrk.

Lyla had been so caught up in her frustration with John and being a single mother to Lyla and trying to clean up the mess that was ARGUS after Amanda Waller’s death that she lazily accepted Felicity’s assurances without once pushing back. She had meant it when she said that Felicity was a General- not stopping to think about how Felicity wasn’t so battle-hardened to the point that collateral damage was any kind of comfort or rationalization.,She had the biggest heart of anyone Lyla had ever known- she should have understood Felicity wouldn’t feel that way- not emotionally. Lyla had seen this so many times before, why hadn’t she anticipated it here?

“What about Felicity’s mom?” Thea asked, “Has anyone told Mama Smoak yet?” She was trying not to just dissolve into a crying mess- it was so hard to reconcile the brilliant, gorgeous Overwatch so… vulnerable, so endangered. And of course, looking at her big brother her heart broke all over again- he was so tough and so strong and took on so much, of course he was convinced this was entirely his fault- what would he do if he lost her? When Thea had been on death’s door, he had moved Heaven and Hell to get her to the Lazarus Pit and bring her back- what would he do for Felicity, the one woman in the world who had made him human again?

“I did. I uh- I called her right after I got here, she’s trying to find a flight out of Vegas, Lance is going to pick her up at the airport whenever she gets in. And Caitlin, Barry and Cisco are on their way down- on the train, so they’ll be here in a few hours.” And they just sat there, quietly in their own personal Hell as they did. Sara was tired, she had been in bed when Lyla had gotten the phone call, so she had been a bit fussy after being woken up and made to sit in a boring hospital waiting room. Oliver was sitting there, tears falling down his cheeks, barely moving from his stiff sitting position.

After a while Sara looked up at Lyla, “Oliber sad?”

“Aww, Baby Girl, yes, Uncle Oliver is sad- Aunt Felicity is sick and he’s scared because he loves her.”

“Aunt Flyssa’s sick?”

“Yeah, she’s very sick and that makes us all sad.” Sara thought for a minute, trying to digest this information. Then she slid off Lyla’s lap and walked over to her Uncle Oliber. She tugged on his hand so he was looking at her, and then crawled into his lap- throwing her arms around him and giving him a big kiss on the cheek.

“Don’t be sad Oliber, I love you.I sit with you and we can cuddle to feel better” That actually made him smile and he pulled the girl into him, holding her tightly and she hugged back. She snuggled up to his chest, her thumb in her mouth and settled in for some sleep, and Oliver had to admit that her presence in his lap was actual, real comfort- especially as she drifted off to sleep and would periodically sigh quietly, softly, smiling and his heart melted.

About an hour later Caitlin entered the room, Cisco and Barry were parking the car and would be there soon. Oliver handed Sara back to Lyla as soon as he saw her entrance and she came over and hugged him- tears streaming down her face. “I’m so sorry Oliver- I really am.”

He squeezed her extra tight and then pulled away. “How bad is it?”

She took a breath, wanting a chance to see how he was doing before she said anything. He was pale, his eyes bloodshot from crying, and she could tell how much he blamed himself for not knowing sooner, for not sensing this was coming. Then again, maybe he had- she had spoken with the ER doctor that had evaluated her- she knew that if he hadn’t come by when he did and found her, they could have been having a very different meeting and conversation right now- her respiration was incredibly depressed and they were very worried about cardiac and liver failure.

“She’s stable, at the moment.”

“Stable? What the hell does that mean, Caitlin?”

“It’s a good sign- it really is. We have her blood work back- she had toxic but not necessarily lethal amount of the meds in her system.” Everyone gasped a bit, until really hearing it, it was very difficult to believe that this conversation, that this night was happening.

“That’s good right- non-lethal amounts mean she’s going to be fine, right?” Thea asked that question, trying to get as much information as possible.

“It’s a good thing, yes. But it doesn’t mean we’re out of the woods. The combination of diazepine and vicodin with such copious amounts of alcohol severely depressed her breathing and right now her body can’t produce enough oxygen on it’s own. We’re also still concerned about her heart and the mix of acetaminophen in the vicodin, mixed with the alcohol, that could seriously impact her liver function over time and they’re trying to give her some prophylactic treatments for that, but- well, she hasn’t regained consciousness yet, so it’s very difficult to assess some things.” She reached out to hold Oliver’s hand, looking him in the eye.

“Couldn’t they just pump her stomach or give her that charcoal drink or something?” He had partied enough back in the day that he was pretty familiar with all the standard OD protocol.

“That would have helped with the vicodin, but not with the diazepine, if you don’t perform a gastric lavage pretty quickly, it’s at best ineffective, but can actually make it worse, and activated charcoal is not a good idea with it either-there is an anti-toxin, basically an antidote, but it’s really not a good idea unless there are no other options as it can be incredibly dangerous. So right now, they’re trying to flush it all out of her system and keep making sure her vitals stay stable. They’re keeping an eye on her breathing and monitoring her heart, so if that starts to weaken or fail, they will be right there to keep it going.

“I’m going to go meet with her doctor and take a look at the latest round of vital stats. But I’d bet that if you wanted to see her, I could get you in.”

He looked like a drowning man who had just been given a life preserver. “Really?”

“She’s still unconscious, and I don’t know when she’s going to wake up. But yeah, I think we can get you in there- maybe you’ll feel better once you’ve seen her.” She smiled at him and they moved to the Nurse’s station.

>>\-------------------------------------------->

He had seen her in the hospital a few times, far too many times in his opinion, but he didn’t think he’d ever seen her hooked up to so many machines- he’d never seen her fighting for his life so hard- her heart and lungs couldn’t even work on their own right now, there were beeps and buzzes, he was staring at the machines, because he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to handle what he saw when he did.

He finally did and it almost killed him. She was just as pale and thin- rail thin, as the last time he saw her- he could see her individual ribs through that hideous hospital gown. There were tubes in her nose, down her throat, into her wrist. Her hair was on the pillow behind her, it was hardly blonde these days, and instead of its usual luster and bounce, it was dull and matted- Felicity rarely left the house without makeup on but these days she seemed like she barely bothered to shower. How had he let this get so bad? Why didn’t ge intervene sooner or force her to get help or just tie her up and kidnap her- take her to Bali where they could sit on the beach, drinking fruity punches and decompressing and talking and resting and learning to breathe again.

“Hey.” It was Barry, standing in the doorway. Oliver turned to face him, not really feeling up to company at the moment. “Man, I’m so sorry- I’m so sorry we didn’t… I’m just… I don’t really know what to say.”

“Of course not- I don’t know how we all missed it.”

“Do you know what happened? Did she ever-?”

“Havenrock.” That was all he said, all that had to be said, Barry understood instantly what he meant by it and didn’t need to ask any further questions.

“You know, when I was in that coma, after the Particle Accelerator, people would come by and talk to me, all the time. I can’t say for sure, but I think it was hearing their voices- hearing Joe and Iris and Felicity- that was what kept me fighting, kept me going.” Oliver just nodded, having trouble processing what was happening right now- Barry had been in a coma for 9 months, could Felicity be in a coma for that long? Longer? What if she never came out of the coma? After a few minutes of silence, both of them watching her, just lying there- not looking at all like the Felicity they each loved so much (although in very different ways). Finally Oliver coughed and looked at Barry.

“What was it like? Being in the coma?”

“Huh, you wanna know something weird? I don’t really have any idea. It wasn’t even like sleeping, if I dreamed about anything, I had no memory of it when I woke up. It was like one minute I was conscious, and then a few days later I was conscious again- but like nothing had happened for me in the meantime- kind of like being in stasis.”

They were both looking at her, there in that bed, not moving except for her chest rising with every breath she took. It wasn’t right, she had a tendency to talk in her sleep and would thrash about in the case of a particularly vivid dream- she was never this still as she slept- and she was usually smiling when she slept. Seeing Felicity this still was much too creepy, much too scary, too much like-

“You can’t think like that man. You just can’t.”

“Is it that obvious?” Oliver gave him a grim half smile. Barry had tears in his eyes too, while his and Felicity’s past was something that had occasionally been a sore spot- Barry liked her, she liked Barry- she wanted to be with Barry, he eventually pushed her away, then Barry knew about Oliver’s son before Felicity did and kind of helped Oliver decide to keep it hidden… But those two were still close, because Felicity was one of the most selfless, big-hearted, kindest and loving of people- once she let you in, there was no loving by halves- you were family. What was the word she used all the time- when she was dropping in her Yiddish? Mishpokhe?

“I can’t believe she was going through all that and we just kept believing it was the aftermath of the accident or the breakup. She really didn’t talk to anyone about it?”

“No, she didn’t. She just- she holed up. And I let her. I didn’t try, I should have made her talk, made her tell us.”

“Oliver, you can’t blame yourself for all of this. Not everything is your fault, you can’t keep putting the weight of the world on your shoulders.” He looked at Barry, didn’t he know better by now?

“And if it was Iris? You don’t think you’d do the same?” That made Barry try to match Oliver’s grim smile a moment ago- he knew when he was beat.

“Fair enough. But come on, Oliver, we were all here, we all saw her and knew it was bad, but none of us really saw what was happening.”

“She’s been staying up all night, trying to find everyone who was in Havenrock. She’s got charts and boards and tables- databases with everyone’s names and information- whether they had children, pets, grandchildren- what they did for a living, if they had family out there somewhere...” He choked a little on the next thought. “When I found her, today, she was talking- she was crying and she was saying she was responsible, she murdered all those people, and nothing I said made a difference. She hates herself- she really does, she said she deserves this.” He was trying so hard to keep himself together, today had just been too much to take, too much for anyone person to deal with.

“Oliver, she’s hurting. She’s suffering, but now that we know what the problem is, we can help her- all of us together. Neither of you is alone, we’re family and we’re going to take care of her like one.”

“I never should have involved her- not in any of this. I shouldn’t have let her join the team- I knew it was dangerous, I worried about people coming after her, I fought off so many bad guys for her, I tried so hard to keep her safe. I shouldn’t have ever let her do all of this- she isn’t like me, she wasn’t battle tested like me- she wasn’t on the island, she didn’t go through all of that. She is light and happiness and hope and love and… She’s insane Dr. Who references, total non-sequiturs, awkward ramblings, bad puns and mint chocolate chip ice cream. I mean, come on, she likes One Direction but will deny it to the death- no one who likes One Direction should live this kind of life, be surrounded by the things that we do.”

“Felicity likes One Direction? Wow, I’m really going to have to give her Hell for that one.”

“Oh come on, she’ll kill me if she knows I told you. Well, actually, it’s Felicity, she’ll hack my credit score and sign me up for free subscriptions to every awkward porn site on the internet.” They both cracked an actual smile at that point- almost chuckling.

“Yeah, that does sound more like her style.” He obviously wanted to say something else, Oliver knew that for sure.

“What is it? Come on, you’ve got as good a poker face as Caitlin. You can say it, I promise not to put an arrow in you.”

“You’d have to be able to catch me first. No, I was going to say, Felicity chose this. You seem to forget sometimes that no matter your relationship, she came into this willingly, openly- in fact, she dragged you back to deal with Dahrk. Felicity wanted to do good and be something more, to use her brilliance and skills to help people and to help you- and every time she had a tough choice to make, she made it and got through it. It’s just that, this time, she didn’t know how to get through it- and that seems understandable now, it was a big thing she went through, right on the heels of a lot of other horrible things she went through. But she’s a superhero- she is the best of any of us, and she’s going to come through this and when she does, she’ll be even better and stronger. We just need to be patient and do what she needs. Ok?”

Oliver nodded, looking at her, wondering whether she WOULD come through this. “Yeah, thanks for that.”

“Anytime. Hey, I’m going to go check in with Caitlin and then give Iris a call- she couldn’t come with us this time, she’s working on a big story and her editor is- well, it doesn’t matter, she’ll want to hear how Felicity is doing, and Joe too.”

“Thanks, I’m just going to stay here, just sit with her for a bit.” Barry nodded- looking like he wanted to hug Oliver, but understanding that wasn’t really Oliver’s thing, maybe right now he should respect that. With a last look back at Felicity, frail, sick and so incredibly un-Felicity-like, he went to go find Caitlin and hopefully hear some good news.


	6. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I know I lost your trust and maybe even your love. But you will never lose mine. So I don’t know if any of this is helping you, I don’t know if you’re going to wake up soon now or if you want me to keep talking to you like this. But if you want me to stop, you’re going to have to wake up and tell me to shut the hell up- you’re going to have to get up and push me out of this room yourself. And I should warn you, I’m much stronger than you- so you’re going to need to get better fast if you want to get rid of me you any time soon.” He leaned in and he kissed her forehead, while she continued lying there, he just bent his head over their hands and cried like he hadn’t cried in years.

_After everything happened with Nyssa and the League and Merlyn, after Felicity had put on the ATOM suit and rescued him and they had kissed and spent the night making up for so much lost time they had each agreed to each pack two suitcases (in fairness, that agreement really worked out to Oliver packing a duffle bag and TWO suits, Felicity snuck in two big suitcases and a carry on, AND her purse- he was powerless to say no to her)._

_“A carry on doesn’t count Oliver, it’s not for my clothes and shoes and stuff, it’s for my computer and my tablet and my ereader and my book.”_

_“What about your purse?”_

_“Don’t be stupid, that’s for my phone and my makeup and my wallet and some meds, my epipen…”_

_“Felicity, I thought we were going to travel light- just run away and unplug and detach from everything!”_

_“You don’t think two bags, a carry on and a purse are traveling light? I love you so much, I want to get away badly enough with just you that I’m willing to do it with pretty much the clothes on my back!”_

_“The clothes on who’s back?” It was ironic because he was the one carrying all of them to the car as they were having the conversation. He had carried them out and put them in the trunk of the car and moved to pull her into a hug- unable to resist kissing her, spending some time on her bottom lip the way that he had learned they both really enjoyed the night before. “Besides, we both know that this much clothing is likely to go to waste, at least for the next few weeks- I have some very specific plans for you, and clothing is really only going to get in the way.”_

_She had hummed quietly as he kissed her, holding the front of his shirt in her fists, pulling him to her, smiling. “I hope you don’t think the same way once you’ve seen what’s in my second suitcase- those are outfits intended entirely for your eyes only.” She winked at him, kissed him one more time as his brain went into overdrive imagining what could possibly be in that case- wanting to pick her up and drag her back inside right now- a six hour drive to their first stop was going to be a really long time away..._

_It took them two days to get to Mexico- he had spent some time in Cabo at Spring Break, Cancun too- that one with Tommy and Laurel and whoever Tommy was “dating” at the time, it had always been vapid pool parties at resorts and drunken, naked nights on the beach- all day for at least five days at a time. But a few nights before she had made him watch Top Chef with her (how she could love cooking shows so much and be such a complete disaster in the kitchen was the biggest cosmic mystery to Oliver) and the finale had shown them in this beautiful city of San Miguel de Allende in Mexico. It wasn’t close to the beach but it had art and culture and music and food- it had magnificent sunsets, homes with huge lanais and warm, sunny days. It was going to be stop one on the Felicity-Oliver World Tour of Happy as she had taken to calling it._

_They arrived late afternoon into the town square, found an impossibly adorable hotel with their own terrace that overlooked the infinity pool and were able to lay down to rest from a long day’s drive, napping until just before the sun went down. They went out to an incredible meal that had been recommended by the manager at their hotel and drank a pitcher of very strong fresh-squeezed margaritas and some coronas, getting them drunk to the point that they were laughing and stumbling across the Plaza, back to their hotel room._

_There were musicians in the square, a mariachi band. Until that exact moment Felicity would have said that mariachi was the least romantic music that ever existed, but that night, under the full moon and the brilliant stars, drunk on a pitcher of margaritas, Oliver pulled her so close to him and they clumsily swayed, hypnotized by the music and the surroundings and she was pretty sure it was the most romantic moment of her life._

_That night they made love for hours- completely unable to be sated by each other- every night had been like this so far- it actually had Oliver worried about whether he would be able to continue this way for very much longer- but the second he caught a glimpse of her shoulders, her back, her thigh as she hooked it up on a stool so she could reach and get her sandals off… and God help him if she had to put sunscreen or lotion on- watching her massage it into her perfect, silky skin was single handedly one of the most arousing things he’d seen in his entire life._

_That night she had fallen asleep with a huge smile on her face- she had been particularly energetic that last go around-_   
_He had never met anyone even close to that adventurous and curious about sex- especially a few drinks in, she’d end up moving this way or that and spurring him on to new heights- she was absolutely amazing._

_It had been a long time since Oliver had slept much more than 5 or 6 hours a night, unless drugged up in the hospital, since before Lian Yu. Most nights he would use the time to read or to work out, investigate something the Arrow was working on, but right now he just wanted to sit there and watch Felicity. How was it possible that she was here with him- that she loved him so completely, so willingly? He loved watching her sleep. He had only learned the last two nights that she had a tendency to talk in her sleep- the first night had been nightmares about kangaroos, which would never cease to amuse him._

_Her hair was a glowing golden color, the moon was shining in through the gauzy curtains of their window, she was completely naked with one sheet barely covering her- one leg sticking out, shapely and smooth and gorgeous and he was so tempted to reach out and run his hand along it. They had been driving with the top down and all the sun shining down on them and it had made her freckles start to pop on her skin- he hadn’t known she had freckles, she spent far too much time in an office or the Bunker- he loved the sprinkling of spots along the bridge of her nose, her cheekbones and her shoulders- there was a slight, beautiful cluster of freckles towards the back of her right shoulder, it looked almost like a constellation- but he couldn’t think which one- despite the fact that he attempted Astronomy at least three different times in college- it was supposedly easier than Rocks for Jocks, but since it required attendance occasionally, he’d never quite made it through._

_She was sleeping face down, into the pillow, facing him, smiling- dreaming of something happy, apparently- God did he hope it was him._

_“Stop looking at me you freak, I’m sleeping.” She mumbled into the pillow, she was a person who enjoyed a good solid 8-10 hours of sleep when she could get it- especially after 4 margaritas, a few bars and round after round of love making._

_He couldn’t help but smile at her, he moved to push a hair back from her face so he could see the whole thing. “It’s the middle of the night, Oliver, I was having an amazing dream about half price designer shoes.”_

_“I didn’t mean to wake you- I just- you looked so beautiful in the moonlight, lying there- in the exact perfect state of undress and I just- I’m reveling.”_

_“You understand that right now I have at least two rats nests in my hair, my makeup has smudged all over my pillowcase, and we’re both going to have a slight hangover in the morning, don’t you?”_

_“And yet, I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.”_

_“You used to have a Season Pass to the Grotto at the Playboy Mansion, Oliver.”_

_“So you know that objectively, I know what I’m talking about.” She slapped him playfully right there, on the shoulder- that would ultimately cost him. But he grabbed her hand and just put it on his face- her eyes opening, she looked at him with all the love and trust and contentment in her eyes. “I love you so very much, and God, I hope that I can make you understand, given enough time, just how much.” He leaned in and kissed her softly. “Go back to sleep- I promise, I’ll stop staring.” She turned around and he pulled her closer to him, spooning her, kissing that spot on his shoulder he hadn’t been able to stop think about as she melted into him and drifted back off to sleep._

He remembered that night perfectly- he used to be able to close his eyes and he could smell the evening, smell her perfume and the roses on their terrace outside- the fresh air of the mountains nearby. It was one of the first of many nights on that journey when he had felt like his face muscles would literally give out on him, he was sore sometimes from all the smiling. He looked at her now and he couldn’t conjure up those memories. He couldn’t smell it, or feel it like he had, he was so afraid he’d never see that smile again, never spend another evening listening to her talking her sleep, babbling about kangaroos or anything else either.

“Can you hear me, Felicity? Barry thinks that you probably can, actually Caitlin said the same thing- she had some kind of long-winded name of a medical journal article on the topic- you probably would have understood it so much better than I did.” He took her hand closest to him in both of his, feeling some reassurance just touching her, feeling her skin under his and the trace of a pulse in her wrist- much too weak for the giant heart that he knew she had. He had to stop and wipe away the tears for a minute, before he could continue.

“I don’t really know what to talk to you about. The articles that they talked about didn’t exactly say what I should say to you. There is a big part of me that wants to shout at you- to yell and scream and shake you for being so incredibly stupid. I mean, Felicity, you are the absolute heart and soul of our team. Of this city, actually- the biggest thing I’ve wished I could do as Mayor is get you some kind of commendation. But you’re Overwatch. No one gets to know who Overwatch is- or that she even exists. I always preferred it that way- not because I wanted to hog the glory, I think you know that better than anyone. But because I never wanted you to be a target, I didn’t want anyone attacking you, finding out who you are, hurting you.

“I hate that I couldn’t keep you from all of this- I really do. At first I really needed you for how smart and capable you were, and I hoped that between my Playboy smile and the fact that you worked for my family, you’d keep it relatively quiet. I never planned on falling in love with you- even though I can see now that I did so much earlier than I ever knew- I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment, but I think I first knew it when Barry came to town. He was so smart and spoke your language and was kind of nerdy and I remember my heart plummeting because you looked at him and laughed at his jokes in ways I was suddenly so angry you never had with me.

“And then you met Ray and I thought it was over, any chance of there being a me and you was done. I mean, he was so obviously handsome and strong and smart- not that I’m into guys, but even I know that he’s most girls dream guy- tall, dark and handsome- that’s the most basic way one could possibly describe the guy! Add his brilliance to the equation and I still have no idea why you picked me over him- not that it matters these days. You picked me, you bet all your chips on me, and I fucked up. 

“I’ll always be grateful you did- even if it was only for a short time- it was the absolute best time of my life and if I died tomorrow knowing that was all I got- that would be ok. God, Felicity, when I came back, I was so broken, I really didn’t know how badly. I only had one thought in my head, take care of the list. I had no idea what I was going to do when that was done, I’m not sure I planned to survive it, looking back. I had done so many horrible things in the name of survival, I had become someone that I was ashamed of. I was certain that I would never experience anything like love or happiness ever again.

“Thank God I spilled a latte on that laptop, huh?” He smiled a little at the memory, bringing her the bullet-riddled laptop and giving her what was truly the WORST excuse for how it came to be that way. She had been sitting there, chewing on a red pen, the look on her face when the boss’s son came into the room had been priceless- she had rambled and it had been absolutely adorable and he knew pre-Island Oliver would have asked her to dinner that first meeting. And now, he was holding her hand and running his thumb along the back of it, the way he used to when they were snuggling and her engagement ring was right above the spot he was touching now. Now he was talking to a seemingly lifeless version of the only woman who had truly captured him- body, mind, soul… How could she possibly be here like this, right now? 

“But Felicity, you saved me. You brought me out of my pain and my fear, you helped me get through so much- through Tommy’s death, finding out about my mother’s involvement in the Undertaking, then her death, Thea’s distance from me, Laurel, Sara… every single time, no matter what I had done to you, no matter how I had hurt you or anyone else around me, you chose to stay around and help me through it- and now I’m this man that I never expected to be, that sometimes I still don’t know how to be...Certainly not without you kicking my ass and reminding me.“ He was having a little trouble focusing, what was he trying to say to her, exactly?

“Even after Dahrk, when everyone else was gone, you didn’t leave me. And now, I failed you. We all failed you, Felicity. How did we miss how bad you were hurting? How did we miss just how sick you were? 

“Caitlin says you’re showing signs of something called ketoacidosis- it’s because you haven’t been eating, right? God, Felicity, you have to eat- you know that. I mean, I’m glad to hear that you’ve cut back on things like Big Belly Burger and pop-tarts, I keep telling you those things are going to kill you. But you're almost 30 pounds underweight Felicity. Your blood is turning acidic and it’s poisoning you. They’re going to fix it, don’t worry. They’re going to fix that, and they’re going to keep your liver from suffering- man- when you do something, you do it thoroughly huh? You have never half-assed anything in your life- although this might have been the time to try it. They think your heart is fine- I keep telling them of course it is, it’s the best and biggest and most beautiful thing about you- it has to be. I know you think it’s your brain- I know you think I need you for your computer prowess and your “mad science skills”... but you and I know it’s so much more than that. I need you because you are the only one who ever seems to be able to find the good in me- no matter what- you are the one who made me into a hero.

“I know I lost your trust and maybe even your love. But you will never lose mine. So I don’t know if any of this is helping you, I don’t know if you’re going to wake up soon now or if you want me to keep talking to you like this. But if you want me to stop, you’re going to have to wake up and tell me to shut the hell up- you’re going to have to get up and push me out of this room yourself. And I should warn you, I’m much stronger than you- so you’re going to need to get better fast if you want to get rid of me you any time soon.” He leaned in and he kissed her forehead, while she continued lying there, he just bent his head over their hands and cried like he hadn’t cried in years.


	7. Felicity Wakes Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just don’t know how to live with what I did.” And there it was- that was the problem, in a nutshell. And Oliver didn’t know what to say in response. Logic and reason were not going to work here, he knew that very well- in fact he had a list of a million different things he could try or do or say, but none of them were likely to help. So, for the time being he just pulled her back to his chest, holding her and stroking her hair and not saying anything as she cried herself back to sleep in his arms. He didn’t know how to fix it, how to reach her, but he wouldn’t ever give up on looking for something, because he knew that there was no world for him that did not have Felicity Smoak in it.

Felicity woke up with the strangest feeling- she was definitely groggy, which made sense- she was waking up from... what? A long nap? But all the smells and sounds were wrong- she wasn’t in her huge comfy bed at home under her favorite chenille throw. She tried to sit up from her waist, see where she was, but she felt heavy, weighed down and like there was actually fog INSIDE her head. But the quick move jarred something, she heard a high pitched, loud buzzing noise and that just made her head hurt.

“Felicity? Felicity- are you ok? Oh thank God Felicity, my baby, I was so worried!” 

“Mom?” She blinked a few times and there was someone in the room, moving very quickly by her and attaching something to her arm as her mom’s face came into focus. That was when she looked around and realized where she was- she was in a hospital and had so many tubes attached to her. “Mom, what are you doing here? What am I-?”

She wanted to talk to but there was something sticking DOWN her throat- something hard and plastic and it had her coughing. She was starting to panic, her eyes got huge and she was holding her throat like she was choking but instead of jumping in to help her, her mother was trying to soothe her, move her hands away.

“No, baby, you need to leave that where it is until the doctor says so- ok? I need you to just try and breathe, calm down, ok?” Felicity tried to nod at her, tried to calm down and make herself breathe. She was in the hospital, ok, that suddenly made a little more sense. But why was she here? As though her mom could read her thoughts she asked “Do you remember why you’re here sweetie?”

She was trying to think, but it just all seemed so fuzzy to her- she remembered trying to nap, but she hadn’t been able to sleep- she’d had that damned nightmare again and she had woken up shaking and sweaty and crying and she was just so exhausted and so drained- she didn’t have the energy to be awake any longer, she just wanted to sleep and sleep and to stop hurting. Really, that was what she wanted, she didn’t want to hurt so badly, just for a few hours or maybe a few days- that would be amazing.

She had stumbled downstairs, tears streaming down her face and found her medications. But they hadn’t been working, they hadn’t been helping enough- she was still so angry and sad and tired and scared and guilty… so she took a few extra, she just needed to sleep. She washed the pills down with a big glass of wine, then a second one. 

And she remembered feeling… floaty- was that a word? Her face got really hot, especially the tips of her ears, but all in all, she felt- not good, not really, but numb. It wasn’t bad- she felt almost detached, like there was Felicity, and she was sad and upset, but she was just watching that person being sad and upset, not experiencing it. She was feeling a tiny bit of peace in her mind for the first time in so long.

She was also drowsy so she headed back upstairs, she wanted to continue her nap. Maybe she’d be able to get some sleep, maybe even dreamless sleep.

But as soon as she put her head on the pillow she realized something was wrong- she was feeling sick. The room was spinning like she had way too much to drink, she couldn’t focus her eyes and she felt nauseous. She heard a voice- sort of, it sounded like her, but meaner. _“You idiot, you just took way too many pills.You’ve really done it now- this is bad, this is very bad.”_ She started to cry again, she didn’t want to die. _“But why not- you are a murderer, that’s what happens to murderers. That’s how you guys put them down- that’s how he’d put you down.”_ And he would- or should. She was just as bad as anyone Oliver had ever killed. It was like two sides of her mind warring against each other, but she was just stuck, there, crying. 

She heard movement downstairs, but couldn’t tell what it was, things were starting to sound like they did when she had her head underwater while someone tried to talk to her- muffled and blurry. Then he was in the room- Oliver. She didn’t want him to see her like this- she had tried so hard, ever since they broke up, to stay in control around him, to not let him see. But he was there, no matter how much she had tried to push him away. And he came over and was touching her, talking to her, holding her and she just felt like she was only partially there- like maybe she was watching him talk to her- but she wasn’t in her body, she was over there, in the corner of her bedroom in the sitting chair, just looking and she couldn’t quite hear what he was saying but he was talking and he was on his phone.

She babbled for a minute, of course she did, that was what Felicity did- but then there was more noise downstairs and she was moving- floating, people talking all around her, and-that was it.

And now she was in the hospital, she had tubes and machines and buttons all around her and her mother was crying and asking her questions and there was a nurse checking some things, a doctor came in and was shining some light in her eyes and talking and then she noticed him. Oliver was sitting in a chair in the corner, staring at her, not moving, not blinking, just crying a bit as he watched her and the dam broke. She started to cry, and she was choking on it and the goddamned tube in her throat- she started to just pull the fucking thing out before she did die. The doctor moved to stop her and Oliver stood up, wondering if he needed to get involved- although pro-tube or anti-tube, she wasn’t actually sure what side he’d be.

“Oh, Felicity, baby- what happened? Why did you do it?” Her mother was becoming hysterical, needing to know why her brilliant, beautiful daughter would have tried- would have ever- it was so much to process. Felicity just shook her head, she couldn’t really speak with the tube in her throat, nor did she have any idea what she was going to say when she could. She just sat there, shaking her head, tears streaming down her face, she shot a desperate look to Oliver in the corner- it was the look of a bunny in a headlight, she was about to have a panic attack, her heart rate was climbing- he could tell from the change in tempo of the beats of that machine.

“Umm, Donna, I think- Felicity looks like she needs a second to figure out where she is. Why don’t you go and find Caitlin- she was using Dr. Lawson’s office to catch up on some work, I’m sure she’s going to want to come down and check her out.” Donna looked like it was going to be over her dead body that she left without an answer, but she saw the look in Oliver’s eyes and then Felicity’s face and conceded.

“You’re right. Of course, I’ll go get her.” She stood up and then leaned down to Felicity’s face to kiss her on the cheek. “I love you baby girl, ok?” Felicity nodded and Donna left the room- the nurse and doctor who had been in there following shortly after. She shot Oliver a look of gratitude- she tried to open her mouth to talk, but that damn tube was in the way and it was scratchy.

And he was just sitting there, in that chair, looking at her. He was brooding- she knew his moods so well at this point- she could tell by his posture, by his eyes and his jawline that he was upset- he was sad and angry and…

“Yeah, that sounds about right. Sad. Angry- furious really, but I’ll get to that later. I think you’re slipping though- I’m also unbelievably relieved to see your eyes again, you’ve been asleep for quite some time.” She looked back at him startled, she was almost positive she hadn’t said anything out loud. She blinked at him for a minute and her mouth went into that circle shape she got when she was surprised and trying to ask a question.

That made him smile a little bit and he stood up and moved his chair closer to her, close enough he could touch her hand, which he did- lightly, briefly, but he couldn’t help himself. “You’re not the only one who can read the other like a book. You had that look you get when you know you’re in trouble- and you know me well enough to know why I was so upset with you. But right now, I just want to focus on the sheer terror that is starting to recede now that you’re awake and I can see you move.”

“Do you remember being brought here?” She shook her head slowly- but it just makes her wince from some kind of horrible headache- it was like she had drank an entire cabinet of liquor- and the lights in the room were so damn bright. He sighed and went to the light switch to turn off the horrible overhead lights and just turned on the lamp that was on the other side of her- she had always been so sensitive to light- at least that was her excuse for not waking up in the mornings.

“You’ve been here three days. You really gave us one Hell of a scare.” She couldn’t look at him, he was going to cry and then she was going to cry. “You know- when I found you-” He was interrupted by Caitlin who had heard the news that the patient was awake and had hurried down to check her out. She walked in and quickly went to work recording her vitals, shining that damn light in her eyes again, asking her yes and no questions. After a few minutes of poking and prodding and shaking her head over numbers in a chart, she addressed the giant tube in Felicity’s throat. 

“Ok, so here’s the deal- the tube was so we could give you some of the medications you need in order to try and prevent liver and kidney damage from the drug interactions. We can take it out, which is going to hurt for a day, but you’ll mostly sleep through it, based on all the other meds you’re on. However, I’ll warn you, the prophylactics are absolutely disgusting- they smell and taste like sulfur and eggs- but you have to drink it, mixed into soda if you want, 4 times a day for three more days. What do you want to do?”

Felicity motioned that the tube needed to come out as quickly as possible and Caitlin motioned to the nurse in the room to come by and help with it. Right before they began to remove it, she gave Felicity another kind look and said, “Of course you realize, once this out, people are going to have a lot of questions for you, and you won’t have an excuse to not answer them, right?” Felicity sighed, of course there had to be a catch. She almost changed her mind, almost decided to keep the tube in for another day or two, but she looked at Oliver and got the sense that the tube wasn’t really going to help her avoid most of them, was it? She just closed her eyes and then looked up at Caitlin, nodding her head. 

After the tube came out Caitlin asked her a few questions, and she really should have asked quite a few more- but she wanted to go and run some of the labs on the blood she was drawing herself and talk to Felicity’s mom- she could give these two a few minutes. Before she left she looked back at Oliver, giving him a look that clearly said “be nice.” Well, he’d try. Felicity had moved her bed into a sitting position, well, almost fully sitting position, she was still fairly queasy and exhausted, so recumbent was ok. She touched a tube attached beneath her nose- oxygen- was that really necessary? 

“Yeah, you weren’t actually breathing on your own for about 8 hours that first night. Your lips and fingernails were starting to turn blue when I brought you in, so they needed to make sure you had enough oxygen.” He was barely able to look at her, his voice was low and gravelly, it was very close to his “You failed this city” voice and Felicity knew she was tearing up.

“Oliver- I…” wow, her throat hurt like hell, it was like she had actually swallowed gravel, it was dry and scratchy and horrible. “Oliver- I’m- I don’t know- I’m…” But she floundered. What was she?

“I’m really sorry I put you through all of that.” That sounded right, she did feel bad that she made him so upset and scared- if roles were reversed, she’d feel a lot like he probably did right now and that was awful.

He looked up at her, so much sadness in his eyes, but a little bit of smoldering fire too. “You’re sorry that you put me through all of that? That’s what you’re sorry about? Not that you did it- not that you actually tried to... “ He honestly couldn’t say the words- just saying the words felt like tempting fate- but then, she was awake now, now she was supposed to pull through this- that’s what they said- when she woke up, that was probably out of the woods time. He wanted to yell, he really did- he hadn’t been this angry since, probably not since Thea had gotten high on Vertigo and wrapped her car around a tree. But he was looking at her and she was just falling apart, right in front of him, and he just knew he was being a dick.

“Felicity, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry- you just had all of us so incredibly scared. We were all dying a little bit here, waiting to find out if you would make it. I’ve never been more scared in my entire life than I was when I found you- you were so upset and so sick and you weren’t really breathing and your heart was beating so slowly and… Oh, God, Felicity- how could you do that to me? To any of us? We love you so much, we need you so much... “

“I’m sorry, Oliver. I’m really sorry- I just… I don’t know, I just couldn’t think. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat- I didn’t want to feel like that anymore, I just wanted a little peace, a little quiet.” 

“So you thought you’d kill yourself?”

“No! I didn’t plan to kill myself- I didn't want to die! I just… I needed to do something and nothing else had worked and I just wanted to sleep and not have any of those damn dreams and not have my brain spinning out for hours while I just felt guilty, like a murderer- I can’t…” She was starting to panic again, and that was not what Oliver was going for. He moved in and took her hands and held them, looking her in the eyes.

“Hey, don’t worry- you don’t need to say anything right now. Just, stop and breathe, count to three- ok, now let it out over three breaths. Just, close your eyes and think of… think of Bali- remember that beach in Bali where we got caught in the rainstorm? Just breathe in the smell of that salt water and the sound of the waves and breathe in for three seconds, now out for three seconds.” He held her to his chest, having moved to sit on the side of the bed and just whisper to her to breathe in and out until she was calm again, the tears were slowing, almost stopping. After a few moments to collect herself she looked up at him. 

“I just don’t know how to live with what I did.” And there it was- that was the problem, in a nutshell. And Oliver didn’t know what to say in response. Logic and reason were not going to work here, he knew that very well- in fact he had a list of a million different things he could try or do or say, but none of them were likely to help. So, for the time being he just pulled her back to his chest, holding her and stroking her hair and not saying anything as she cried herself back to sleep in his arms. He didn’t know how to fix it, how to reach her, but he wouldn’t ever give up on looking for something, because he knew that there was no world for him that did not have Felicity Smoak in it.


	8. Tears Streaming Down Her Face

Felicity was in and out for the next 12 hours- she was still on a tremendous amount of medication and her body had been through a lot- she had really put it through the ringer, but it did look like there wouldn’t be any permanent damage- not physically.

After Oliver had rocked her back to sleep as she came apart in his arms, she had only slept for another hour, and when she woke back up she had to go through a very similar process with her mother- but when she looked to the corner she found Oliver missing from his perch, wishing he was there to rescue her again, but her mother informed her she had sent him home for a shower and a change of clothes.

“He didn’t leave the hospital once over the last three days- he slept in that chair every night. The hospital tried to make him go home, it was after visiting hours, but he reminded them about his family’s donation of the children’s cancer wing and of course they stopped pushing at that point. But once he got to talk to you, see you, I was finally able to get him to go shower and shave, I’m hoping he takes a break in his own bed- but I’m not counting on it.” Felicity knew better than that, someone was sick or in danger, he’d never be too far from them, it was what he did- he saved people. No matter what, they had enough of a history that he’d feel obligated to do the same for her. Her mother was pushing hair out of her face, she could only imagine how stringy and awful it was right now. "He still looks at you the same as ever, I don't think I've ever seen someone so-" She was interrupted from a conversation Felicity felt no ability handle right now by visitors.

She got to spend a little time with Thea and with Lyla, Curtis too- he was particularly upset when he came into see her, brought her the most enormous floral arrangement she’d ever seen- “Paul picked it, he’s the better queen in our marriage- he insisted that this was the perfect thing to bring out the yellow accents in the room’s wallpaper and apparently one of the flowers means “serenity”, but I don’t remember which one.” Felicity had actually smiled at that, she did love this guy, he was so great to her.

Of course Lance came to see her, he was the only person that didn’t come in all awkward, not sure what he could or couldn’t say- he didn’t try to coddle her or be gentle about anything, he just looked at and using his best dad voice said, really forcefully- a little anger behind it, but mostly concern and warning. “I swear to God, you ever pull something like that again and I will take away all of your computers for a month. Do you understand me? I will put every single officer out there that owes me a favor on it.” Oddly enough, that kind of made Felicity smile.

“What? Why are you smiling? I’m not kidding- Felicity, when I heard, I could have strangled you with my own hands, I swear to God.”

“It kind of feels nice to be yelled at- everyone else is being SO nice to me, tiptoeing around everything and you just come right out and… it’s kind of nice.” He smiled briefly and then, 

“Well, if you like that, good- because I have a hell of a lot more to say to you. I promised your mother that I’d take it easy on you, and I’ll stick to that promise, as much as I can, but- what the hell were you thinking? Did you for a second stop and think what it would do to your mother? To the rest of us? I get that you were hurting, and Felicity, Honey, I’ve been there- there were days after Laurel… well, it’s a good thing I don’t have a gun anymore, ok? But you- come on. You are so much better than this- what the hell were you thinking? Don’t you know what could have happened?”

Despite the fact that he was yelling, it felt good- cathartic. It felt kind of like the things she had been yelling at herself- not just since the night she took all those pills, but since she had some of the thoughts that led to her taking all those pills. She knew it wasn’t good, it wasn’t necessarily right- but it was, at the very least, cathartic. And then, he smiled at her- his eyes glistening with tears, but she knew he was still plenty concerned. And that made her tear up- she loved this man, she really did.

“Thank you.” It was practically a whisper as she looked at him. He just looked back at her, wanting her to know that just because she wasn’t technically his daughter, she appreciated his being a dad right then- but needing her to know she was still trying to figure things out. He leaned in and hugged her tight, not believing everything that had happened, but so grateful that she was there. Honestly, for the last few days he had prayed just for her to be able to open her eyes, the fact that she could sit up and move and think fully- that almost seemed like more than he deserved. He left the room just as Oliver was hovering around the door- he looked like he was just begging for re-admission.

“Can I come in?” Ok, so it was still awkward. That’s fine, she probably deserved awkward. He had saved her life after all- and she was medicated just enough that slightly awkward wasn’t so terrible.

“Of course. You’re the Hero of the hour, aren’t you?” Why did that sound so stiff the way she put it? Wasn’t she glad he had saved her life?

“Felicity, if you don’t want me to come in, that’s fine- I can…” She shook her head, this really wasn’t going well, was it?

“Oliver, please, come in- you should come in.” He looked at her, she had to actually nod yes to him before he would even cross the threshold.

“I just wanted to see how you’re doing. Just-” he broke it off right there, what was he supposed to say? Thankfully she broke down first.

“Oliver, I’m so sorry. I want you to know that I- I didn’t _mean_ to… to do anything. I swear to god, I was just- I was upset and I was exhausted- I can’t remember the last time I had slept, I wasn’t thinking, I’ll admit that totally- but I was looking to have a good night’s sleep, that’s all. I am SO embarrassed about what I did- and I’m so sorry that I put you all through that. But I swear, you don’t need to worry about anything, I’ve been resting and I already feel so much better.”

He just looked at the floor- there was just no way he could handle one more of her lies to him. But he had sworn to everyone that he wouldn’t push her, that he wouldn’t yell or shake or ask her how dare she threaten to take away the one thing in his life that seemed to make everything else had gone through worth it. And he knew that Dig and Barry and Lance would hold him to that, he had to keep his cool- he knew it.

“I swear, it was a silly mistake, I was just tired and having a bad night. Once they let me out of here I’ll take a few days to relax- maybe I’ll even get away, go to the beach or something, get away, get some real sleep. I think I’ve been working too hard- this project with STAR Labs- and the chip, Curtis and I have been working around the clock and it’s just- I guess it’s truly worn on me.” He shook his head, trying hard to just keep an even breath and remember that this was Felicity, that he loved her more than anything on this planet and he only wanted her to be ok. “Once we’ve taken care of the last few steps in this patent, I swear- I’m a new woman with a vacation forthcoming.”

In the lowest voice he had, so close to his Arrow voice he said “Please don’t do this, Felicity. Not with me.” He really couldn't look at her- he just moved to the chair in the corner, sitting, looking down at the floor. 

“What? I’m just trying to apologize and let you know that I’m totally fine and I’m sorry-” He couldn’t quite take it anymore- he stood up, almost knocking his chair over as he did. His fists were clenching at his sides, his face was drained of all color and his eyes were seething.

“For what, Felicity? For fucking scaring me to death? For- whether intentionally or accidentally- I'm not sure it matters much which it was- almost killing yourself? For spending the last six months trying to track down the names of every victim at Havenrock and not telling anyone? I mean, I’ll grant you, we were all pretty well snowed over as to what was bothering you- for God's sake, you’ve had more happen to you in the last year than most people deal with in an entire lifetime. I mean, your accident alone- I look back and wonder how you got through that as well, as gracefully- as strongly, as you did. I have always been in awe of your strength, Felicity- it’s probably the thing that I love the most about you. 

“But I should have seen it- I can't believe I didn't see it.” He was pacing now, he couldn’t look at her- he was so ashamed of his own blindness- for not seeing any of what was front of him that he was ready to, if possible, put an arrow in himself. “But I overlooked the other thing about you that makes everyone love you. I overlooked your giant heart and how much you feel for everyone. I disregarded your inclination to try and be the humanity of Team Arrow.”

“You hate the name Team Arrow- we have been expressly forbidden on so many occasions from using that term.”

“Felicity- stop. Just- stop. I know you’re trying to be you- all quirky and funny and deflective of whatever you’re going through- but that’s what really got you here in the first place, isn’t it. You can’t always be the conscious and the humanity for all of us and try to bear that burden completely alone- you especially can't keep secrets and lie to us about it!"

“You drive us to be better humans, you ARE the heart and soul of us. But that’s too much of a burden for any one person to bear. I know that I could spend hours sitting her and trying to convince you that what happened at Havenrock wasn’t your fault- but I know that somewhere inside you, you know that. I could remind you of the millions of lives that you saved that day, but I also know that while you know that, intellectually, it doesn’t matter. I know what it’s like to make the decision to kill some to save many. And I will never forgive myself for allowing you to be in a position where that was your burden- where that was your decision to make.”

She was crying- goddammit, it had been better when she was too dehydrated to cry this much. 

“Oliver- I swear, it really isn’t what you think.” 

“Really, Felicity? It isn’t? Exactly which part isn’t what I think? The part where you have been lying to all of us about how you were doing, what you were dealing with?” 

“Oh, because you’re a stellar example of how to deal with grief and fear and anger and hurt as a team effort? You’re a brilliant, shining example of how we should deal with the darkness that is our job? You’re the kind of person I should look to for honesty and forthrightness? Excuse me, but if I wasn’t on so many medications at the moment that are numbing every single aspect of my emotional center, I’d be laughing hysterically from the irony of the bullshit you’re spouting right now.”

He shot back. “And since when have I been a person you respect or admire? Since when have I been the person that you trust or turn to as an example of how to behave?” What could he do? He had never intended to go off like this, but didn’t she know how much she had scared him? Didn’t she understand a small part of what she had put him through? Or how wrong she had been in hiding all of this from him?

But didn’t he also know what he was doing? He understood that he had let his emotions go completely out of control, that he was reacting in the way that was the absolute worst and completely counterproductive. He stood for a few minutes, trying to breathe in deeply enough to handle talking to her- he needed to find a way to talk to her and not… this was quite literally the worst way he had imagined any of it going. After a few moments of far too much silence, aside from her tears and his pacing- the sounds of his heart beating in anger and anxiety, he had to stop this.

“Felicity, I’m sorry.” He walked next to her bed and knelt at her side on the hard, cold tile floor. He had tears in his eyes, but he wanted to get his point across without it getting any worse between them. “I’m so sorry- I did not mean to get angry with you or to yell at you. I just- FUCK, Felicity, I’ve never in my life been so fucking scared of anything- not when the Gambit went down or when I was on Lian Yu- Hell, I’d take my Bratva initiation again in a heartbeat to avoid how I have felt the last two weeks of my life. Why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you tell me? Felicity, Honey… I would have done absolutely anything- ANYTHING to keep you from…” now he was just crying, freely, tears streaming down his face as he took her hands in his, kneeling next to her in the hospital bed.

“Oliver stop. Just STOP. For fuck’s sake!” He was caught off guard by the ferocity of her tone as she tried to keep her tears at bay- a fight she lost almost instantly. “Oliver stop, I need to- I need to tell you something.” 

“Felicity, there is nothing you can tell me that is going to actually change my feelings for you. Nothing you can tell me that makes any of this seem-” She put her hands on his arm, breathing in, knowing in her gut that it simply wasn’t true.

“Stop! Oliver. I didn’t start doing my research because I just felt guilty, because I wanted to torture myself- although, it didn’t take long for me to get to that point. Over the last six months I have managed to confirm the deaths of at least 25,000 people- I know their names and their faces- I know what they did for a living and what charities they supported. I know how the high school was doing in County championships for baseball when it all happened and that their local college was only a few days away from being shut down for the summer, after exams.” She was crying, but more in control than she ever imagined she could be- confessing all of her sins to this man. Telling this man, this man who she loved more than anything, who even when she thought that maybe-

“Oliver, I can’t find William.”

She had never seen him so still- for at least 30 seconds that man was totally still like a Gargoyle. His face went whiter than she had ever seen- and the first time she found out he was the Arrow, he had been bleeding to death in the back seat of her car- his pallor had the same ghostlike qualities at that moment. But though he stood frozen and pale, she was trembling- shaking really, and her heartbeat was beginning to accelerate from the anxiety of admitting all of this and his reaction. 

“I know, I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you- but I’ve been trying to find Samantha and William- and ARGUS did a really phenomenal job at their new identities- I wouldn’t be surprised if William had been skipped a grade in whatever they call their version of Witness Protection- they may have even found a way to keep his school registration offline- and I’ve hacked every prairie-dress wearing, Amish barn-raising cult-like homeschooling group across the country to try and find them and haven’t had all that much luck- I think it’s narrowed down to 350 at this point that I’d have to manually check out.”

“Wait, Felicity- what are you trying to say?”

“Oliver, I may have killed your son and his mother. And maybe I could have learned to live with ending the lives of almost 45,000 people- I doubt it- but it seems like people do sometimes- and ultimately I can be hyper rational. But the second ONE name that I knew, the thought that ANYONE I knew could possibly be dead at my hands? I don’t care if it was “technically” my fault, it would have been AWFUL to see any name I knew- but the thought that I could have murdered your child? How can I possibly- how can anyone ever live with something like that?”

“But you said you can’t find them- you have no reason to believe-” 

“I have no reason to believe they didn’t. And if not for everything that happened, if not for you not being able to tell me- which is still bullshit, but in context almost seems immaterial; if not for you being who you are and feeling like we couldn’t find a way to be together and deal with your son in order to keep him alive… Look, I’m NOT saying you were justified in lying to me or that it’s suddenly ok that you did everything the way you did- but when the chips are on the table, because of me, because of US- because of the so-called best part of you- the Green Arrow- someone I MADE you become again, although you had happily and thoroughly given it up- your son might be dead- his mother might be dead. What am I supposed to do with that knowledge? How is any person supposed to bear that? Much less someone who I love so thoroughly and completely? How can I ever look you in the eye again after murdering your child?” She dissolved into tears, and between her medications, the physical trauma she had put herself through and her emotional state- she was clearly not going to come out of it soon.

But Oliver didn’t mind, he just pulled the chair up behind him so he was close to her and pulled her to him so that if nothing else, she could cry in his arms and know that no matter what, she was not alone- so long as he was allowed in any way to be in the same room as her, it would pretty much take the Flash or Cisco or the ATOM to pull him away from her- he would never NOT do everything in his power to comfort her. Even if it sometimes felt that he was the biggest source of her pain. 

“Felicity- I have no reason to think they were in Havenrock.”

“But what if they were? I might have murdered your son and his mother! And I don’t know a whole lot about how to be a decent, healthy relationship- but I am fairly certain that killing your son and his mother would be a pretty massive roadblock. And that’s the less selfish reason I freak out about it- I’ve never killed anyone! Anyone. I know sometimes you have, or Dig has, to save me- and times what I have done might lead to death, but if that individual hadn’t actively come against me or someone I love- or you know- threatened the lives of many people, it would never happen. But… Oliver, I KNOW that Dahrk launched those missiles- he set it all in motion. But it was still me who actively ended their lives.

“During the Undertaking- you and I knew we didn’t set off the earthquake machine that ultimately killed 503 people. We stopped one, but it wasn’t much of a consolation prize, was it? Or all of your attempts to deal with the Alpha and Omega virus in Hong Kong? Are you seriously one to be telling me that I shouldn’t take on the evils that I spawned? Or the ones that even if I didn’t, I couldn’t stop?” 

"Right now Felicity, all I know is that you are hurt and you need to hurt- you need to wallow in it maybe, but mostly, you need to talk about it- you need to share with those of us who love you and want to share the burden with you. Because the list of people who are hurting at your hurt is so long. And you need to hear me when I say this: You, Felicity Smoak, did not murder my son or his mother. It's hard for me to explain, I know I didn't know him well or long, but I just... I just feel like I would know if he was gone. So for right now, focus on that, if that helps. And know that you can cry or scream or shout at me absolutely as many times, as often as you need, I will never not be here for you. I love you, and you can never change that." He just sat there held her as she cried herself out- holding her tightly, stroking her hair on the top of her head, so grateful for just a few moments of her, being alive, in his arms, holding him in return. 


	9. Trying to Move Forward

Oliver spent the next two days at her bedside- he was reading and writing a lot, dealing with Mayoral duties remotely. His staff was getting pretty annoyed at how he was always at the hospital, but he made it explicitly clear to anyone who questioned him that this was where he would be until Felicity was out of the hospital.

She had been drifting in and out of sleep for the last two days, the medications she was on were serious and she was weak. The worst was when she had to take the horrible medication to protect her liver- it tasted and smelled so awful that even when mixed into a coke it made her gag repeatedly and he had to do anything he could to distract her. And then she would drift off to sleep and there would be nightmares and crying sometimes, but mostly, probably due to the anti-depressants they were giving her, she seemed to be sleeping mostly quietly, and just sitting there and hearing her breathe and the beeps of the heart monitor was enough to keep him going. 

The afternoon of the second day he was there she woke up after what had seemed to be a nightmare-less sleep. He put down his book quickly, not ready to show her the title, “Loving Someone with Depression.” He was next to her bed within seconds of her eyes opening, ice water at the ready, he had multiple chances to work out a routine over the last 36 hours. 

“You’re still here?” It definitely wasn’t a statement- she seemed genuinely surprised by his continued presence. He looked up, almost smiling at her, he looked exhausted but a bit relieved that she was awake and speaking. 

“Of course I am, where else would I be?” Looking up was too difficult- she pushed the button to move her bed to be in more of a sitting position. 

“Oh, I don’t know, running the city, saving the world, shopping, or at a baseball game… anything other than spending all of your time in my particularly inhospitable hospital room.”

“Eh… city is fine, world is safe, no good stores or baseball games these days.” He was semi-smiling, but she saw that look in his eyes, the one that told her he was trying to keep it light hearted and friendly, but he was really only marginally less concerned about her now than a few days ago. “How did you sleep? It seemed quiet.”

“You were watching me sleep?” Was that creepy and weird? Or kind of sweet?

“I just happened to notice it was quieter while I was in here reading.”

“Yeah, I guess, just trying to get some R&R.” she said, then muttered as quietly as she was capable of, “Nuking an entire population of 40,000 people really wears you out.” He went pale again, his eyes getting dark with anger and fear.

“You do understand that I can hear you when you say things like that, right?” She just sighed and looked away, but not before he noticed tears welling up in her eyes. “Felicity, I hate when you say things like that- you aren’t a killer!”

“Aren’t I? That morning there were 43,264 people in the city limits of Havenrock, and then Dahrk launched missiles- one was supposed to hit Monument Point, but I got involved and shortly thereafter, 43,264 people in Havenrock are dead. And you can tell me it would have been worse, but that wouldn’t have been on me! That wouldn’t have involved MY hacking the GPS coordinates in the missile to hit one city instead of another. It would have happened, and I’d be horrified I couldn’t stop it, but I could have found a way to live with that- I think.”

He stood up and began to pace- he had absolutely no idea what he could possibly say to help. He had tried to convince her that the sacrifice was ultimately noble. He had tried to convince her that it wasn’t even anything she had done or failed to. None of that had helped. All he had was the absolute, most openly honest truth. He turned to look at her as he spoke.

“You’re right, Felicity.” She stopped whatever she was about to say, clearly she hadn’t been expecting that. “And maybe, that’s exactly why you should listen to me a little on this topic. Because I know a little something about making decisions about who lives and who dies and because of that, I have the blood of SO many on my hands. And guess what? I don’t know that I can say it’s possible to get rid of the guilt entirely. But, you know what? I think that’s probably good, for the most part- it’s what proves to me that I’m human, and I’m not beyond redemption. And it keeps me motivated to keep going, to continue to fight and to try and make a positive difference.

“Of course I have guilt. And there have been times where I have felt pretty much crushed by the weight of my guilt and the burden of these lives that have been lost- either directly at my hand or because I failed to save them… My conscious bears the weight of so many deaths- Tommy, my mother, Sara- twice actually, Laurel… the people who lived in the Glades that night… and yes, even Havenrock..” He breathed, looking into her eyes. “I feel that myself you know.” He sat down, holding her hand, leaning towards her. And she just looked at him, eyes wide- somehow she hadn’t actually ever thought about it in those terms- maybe he had some guilt about not stopping Darhk as thoroughly as possible? How could she have ignored that so completely? Not that it was the exact same- but she did understand it, somewhat. 

“So maybe the problem isn’t that you feel guilty. Because Felicity, you are the heart and soul and conscious of this entire team- we rely on you for that- and that’s a heavy burden. From that first time you locked the doors of the Foundry so I couldn’t go out after a single father, you have kept us in check and made sure we never lose sight of our mission. And that was really unfair to put on you- but you did it so effortlessly and so well and we just- we grew to depend on it so much- depend on YOU so much.” He was tearing up and she was openly crying and neither of them really knew what to do or say. After a moment of heavy silence Oliver seemed to remember something.

“Actually, I have a surprise for you- and I think it’s one that you’re going to like.” He stood up and moved to the door- opening it and beckoning down the hall for someone- a very large, solid, handsome man.

“DIG!” Felicity’s entire face lit up as she saw him walk in- this man who had been so much to her over the last six years, this man she loved like a brother or even a father. In fact, when she and Oliver had been planning their wedding the first time around, they had actually had arguments over who got him on their side- would he walk her down the aisle or be Oliver’s Best Man? 

Dig walked into the room, he was in his camo pants and a khaki t-shirt, he had clearly just stepped off the plane and hightailed it straight here, had he even stopped to see Lyla or Sara? But just as she was about chastise him for coming straight to her and not going home to his family- she caught the look on his face and it kind of told her that she was going to have to be quiet for a little bit. Oliver seemed to sense the tension and gave Dig a pointed look- as if to say that he better behave- take it easy on her. After a moment of silent communication, Oliver excused himself and left the room as Dig entered it. But he didn’t sit, he chose to stand at the foot of her bed, arms crossed.

After a few silent moments (silent other than the whir of the machines and the steady beat of that damn heart monitor), with him looking at her, and she didn’t know what it meant. Looking very meek she asked, 

“Do you want to sit down? I know the chair doesn’t look very comfortable, but then again, Oliver has spent a lot of time in it the last few days and you have a kind of similar build to him- not in a bad way at all, you know how much I always appreciated Oliver’s build and you have a really nice one yourself. But don’t tell Lyla, I’d hate for her to think that I was objectifying your… Unless… maybe you’ve been sitting for a while on your flight back and you’d rather stand?” She was blushing and clearly embarrassed by her rambling. 

He just shook his head and sighed, gripping the railing at the end of her bed in that way he used to grip the railing in the Foundry- leaning over it, frustrated beyond belief. Felicity knew that move, and Felicity knew she should be nervous about it. “It’s really good to see you, we missed you a lot. I mean, I know you felt like you needed to get away, and I totally understand that, but we really missed having you around.” Her smile becoming more and more feeble as he glared at her.

“Oh did you? Well, it looks like I can’t leave you alone for a few goddamn months without one of you getting in pretty major trouble. Look, I’m used to dealing with Oliver’s bullshit, but you? You’re supposed to be the person who is sane and rational. So, do you want to tell me what the hell happened? What the hell you could have possibly been thinking?” Ok then, this clearly wasn’t going to be the most pleasant visit, but again, maybe that was what she really needed- a little tough love. 

She looked into his big brown eyes, eyes that were clearly pissed, beyond pissed actually (wow, just when she thought he couldn’t be scarier when angry), but also eyes full of concern and love and it made her tear up and forget her ramblings a moment ago about chairs and the room and whether his flight was good. 

“Dig, I swear to god, for once in my life I just wasn’t thinking- I promise, I wasn’t trying to do anything. I just… I got so… I don’t know- I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t think about anything other than how exhausted I was and how I couldn’t sleep and I just wanted to sleep-” The tears were streaming down her face, impossible for her to contain any longer. “That’s absolutely the only thing I was thinking about, I promise! Please, I really don’t want you to hate me.” Not even the most evil person to walk the planet- not even Ras al Ghul or Malcolm Merlyn would have been able to resist the earnest, pleading look in her eyes. Dig sighed out, 

“Well… shit” and sat next to her, taking her hand in both of his.

“Felicity, I’m mad because you didn’t come talk to us- any of us. We are supposed to be a family and when you’re going through something like this, you can’t just bottle up inside- and you especially can’t do that when we do what we do- when trusting each other is what makes the difference between life and death for us- you can’t hold this kind of stuff in. I mean, if this was Oliver or me in this bed, right now, what would you be saying to one of us?”

Oh come on, he wasn’t made of stone- her blue eyes were just wide pools of tears and she was so drawn and pale and looked nothing like the Felicity that he knew- the Felicity he thought of just like a sister AND a best friend, and in a weird way, a daughter. He was so worried about her, he had been too angry and he was worried that maybe he had pushed too far. 

“Look, Felicity, let’s be real here. I’m the last person to scold you for what you did. Truth is? I’ve been exactly where you were.”

“What?” He nodded, clearly not thinking about anything he had ever wanted to think about. He looked upset, but way more sad than angry- and unfocused, like he was just remembering stuff, nothing to do with her. 

“Yeah, Lyla and maybe two other people on this planet know it. It was after my second tour, I had refugees with me, we were trying to escort them to a camp about three miles away and I insisted that we follow a certain road. I knew that there had been IEDs on that road a few weeks ago, but they were supposed to be clear and I thought that any cells of Taliban activity were supposed to have moved North, I didn’t read the part of the brief that mentioned small amounts of chatter about how about a dozen soldiers may have been left behind. So we’re about two miles out of camp, children and women who are starving and crying and exhausted from walking in the hot dessert for about 6 hours when we were attacked. Out of nowhere, Taliban soldiers came running out at us, shouting things, firing machine guns at us.” Dig wasn’t one to get emotional or choked up, but his eyes were red and she knew that he was re-living every moment of that attack in just the same, hi-def, visceral way she had been reliving Genesis. 

“I lost 50 people that day- including more than 30 civilians- women, children… I was shot and hurt, but I didn’t care. I went down a bad road Felicity. After that, I closed myself, I started drinking too much, getting into fights… I was sent back to the states for a few months of leave because of my behavior. At the time, that sounded great, I’d get to spend some time with Lyla, try to save my marriage, maybe start a family, be with my brother… all of that. But all I really found were possible I distractions- I lacked ways to avoid thinking about it, about the IED and everything else I had seen and done while I was over there. But at the end of the day, I was nowhere ready to deal with it- absolutely none of it. 

“So one night, after I come home, I got in a fight with Lyla and it was bad- like, split the china and silver and move to a studio apartment kind of bad. I had been moping around the house, doing nothing, getting angry at everyone and everything and she was talking about going to work for ARGUS. At that point in time, what I knew of ARGUS was basically urban legend shit- the stuff that conspiracy theorists dream of. I shouted at her, I accused her of selling out and she screamed back at me about being brainwashed and damaged and unable to love and hope and dream. So I went out for a drive, to clear my head, you know? I headed towards a bad area of town- empty, abandoned neighborhoods with broken windows, vacant houses, potholes everywhere- road work, speed limits around 30 mph, tight bends and corners with dead trees and no businesses- think Old West meets Baltimore City… Well, I drove like a maniac- I think I hit about 90 at one point. I ultimately ended up hitting a pothole and flipped my car once, right into a pretty big ditch. I was awfully banged up, the police came, an ambulance came…” He shook his head from the memory, and all of a sudden she could see the scar on the back of his head, and there was one on his upper shoulder- left side. 

“Fact of the matter was, Felicity, maybe I didn’t actually want to die… but I also didn’t really care if I lived. I was so angry- I was carrying around so much guilt- those were MY men, it was MY order that killed them. And it wasn’t just about that one day on the road, but it was for every decision I had ever made that lead to the deaths of innocent people. And then, I came back- I worked security for a bunch of brats and then the worst of them all- Oliver Queen. And he brought me into the mission and it wasn’t just about my men in Afghanistan, but the people I involved on a mission- any mission. It was about my responsibility for you, for Oliver, for all the innocents involved… and I tried, so many times to fix things, to help everyone- and so many times I failed.” He looked down, not wanting her to really see into his eyes- to see everything hiding back there, how dark it could get.

“I’m not saying any of this to upset you. I’m saying this because I’ve been in some pretty dark places, emotionally and mentally speaking, and I know that running from them, trying to avoid them, it doesn’t work. The dark places, the bad things, they catch up to you- and it’s always so much worse once they do. I also know that you can’t bear the burden all on your own- you have to talk to people, you have to let them in, you have to get it all off your chest… if you don’t, well, that’s how we end up here, isn’t it?” He stood up and took her hand in his as he leaned in to kiss her on the cheek.

“I’m going to let you get some rest.” He moved to leave the room. “Felicity- it isn’t going to be easy, but you can move past this. I promise.”


End file.
